Monday, June 19, 2017

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter is the greatest movie of all time

Overall the movie is pretty okay. More of what the people want except maybe it's a little too much of a good thing. Highest kill count for the series so far with 13 fatalities, they start pretty much immediately and significantly cut down on the time between murders. There is also so much more gratuitous nudity in this flick than those that came before it. It also stars Corey Feldman as Tommy and Crispin Glover as more or less himself.

When you watch these things back-to-back, like I've pretty much done every time I've watched these as TNT and USA used to have a Friday the 13th marathon from sun down to sun up every single Friday the 13th, the thing that really sticks out is how fucking insane the timeline for these movies are. Part 2 takes place entirely on Friday the 13th. Part III, which takes off right where Part 2 ends, starts with Jason on the loose the night that all the killing takes place and spans one full day. For The Final Chapter we have kids still going to the fucking lake after multiple days of Jason massacring people. There are at least two days that pass in this film with the majority of the flick taking place on Monday the 16th. In this time Jason's appearance has drastically changed and a Jason expert/hunter whose sister died in this universe technically on that Friday (she was the one that was speared during sex in Part 2). In Part 2 Jason looks like a hairy elephant man, in III he is completely hairless and has a pit bull face, while in this one his face is sort of melting off. Not meant to be thought too hard about I would imagine.

The Jason expert though, his shit really falls apart in this timeline. So his sister just fucking died on Friday. This dude would have started his Jason research immediately upon hearing of her demise on Saturday, wrapped that up and gotten into the woods by Sunday, and then have his showdown (which doesn't end well) on Monday. While that is possible, it is heavily implied that he has been out in the woods on quest for vengeance has been a long time coming with newspaper clippings and supplies and all that.

Pros: Up the kills. Tom Savini is back so they are fucking sick too. Up the breasts. Feldman is fucking cool.

Cons: Cripsin Glover is too fucking weird to live, man, and is seriously freaky. The ending makes no sense. Much of the movie makes no sense (but I guess it doesn't really matter). Some of the acting is bad.

Notes: Started this one with the female companion. Won her over with Tom Savini, Crispin Glover, and Corey Feldman. “See, it's almost a legitimate movie,” I said. She didn't last long. We get started with the standard recap of the three movies that came before. She says something along the lines of “What the fuck is this a highlight reel?” and she was out. So here we are, now at Sunday the 15th or whatever. And the police are still just letting people come to the lake to get slaughtered. They don't know for sure who did what or if this person had an accomplice. But by all means. Camp on at the murder lake. But I digress.

So following the goings on of Part 3, the paramedics take Jason to the morgue and just put him on ice. Like, “oh, no big, just a guy that has mastered this whole not dying thing, eh, he's probably dead now though.” With this coming in you'd also think the coroner would be on high alert. Not this morgue attendant, or whatever his official title is. Axel, as he is called, gets incredibly rapey instead. He freely talks about doing one of the corpses and sexually harasses a nurse to boot. His final sin comes when he taunts Jason, winning over the nurse, apparently, as she is now into it. But then Jason's hand pops out touches her and she is once again turned off. Long story short, they both die horribly.

Grrr
We start meeting the people we are going to start watching die. Starts with the family. Mother, daughter (a pretty lady), son (Tommy played by Corey Feldman). The ladies we see running if you can call it that. With Tommy we get his weird masks. He “made” them. Obviously Tom Savini's efforts as they are fucking works of art making Tommy some sort of savant. This also comes up later when he fixes the sister's car despite no training or anything and being 12.

Now on to the campers heading to the house next door. A girl, a heartthrob, a horrible couple, a high computer guy, and Crispin Glover. They mock this fat hitchhiker chick on the side of the road. She is just there to die, basically. Pad the kill count a little bit while she holds a banana she mashes as she dies. Whatever. When we cut back to the high computer guy with his vagina lips he tells Crispin Glover that his computer says that he is a “dead fuck” because no one knows how computers work in the mid 80s. But yeah. He totally is. He's a fucking train wreck in this movie.This dude's weirdness, which has been addressed ad nausea, is on full display here. I feel like he isn't really acting. Like when he does this dance which is beyond belief. This thing is out of control. He is flailing about aggressively in a way that is fucking indescribable. All the actors are like trying not to stare or laugh. It is pretty hilarious.


Once they all get to the lake they go skinny dip just to give the people what they want, I guess. Feldman and his sister show up. Feldman lose his little mind. He gets exposed to naked breasts repeatedly throughout the movie. The sister is like, “uh, let's move it along” and they head back. On the way they pick up a hitchhiker because insanity. There's a murderer on the loose who is slaughtering the shit out of everyone in your area and these two pick up a hitchhiker, bring him into their home, and take him up to the boy's room. They need to call the police. My dad would have already been waving his gun around. He is fine though. He seems homeless but ends up being a Jason expert. Jason is a fictional creature at this point on a three day killing-spree yet here we have an expert.

Eventually get to it here. These twin chicks, who they picked up in town or something, are there coming on a little strong with all the dudes except the high one with the vagina lips. One of them straight up steals one chick's boyfriend. The way the girl friend deals with is to go skinny dipping because that happens. It might've been like a last ditch effort to save the relationship. Swims to a little inflatable boat alone. Jason jumps out of the water and stabs her through the bottom of it. Not the best kill. Her boyfriend grows a conscience inside and comes out to look for her. Takes off his shirt. Little Jean shorts he's wearing go up to his nipples. Sees the dead chick. Swims back to the dock where Jason stabs him with a harpoon in the dick. Back in the cabin, Glover improbably gets laid by one of the twins, must have won her over with his dance moves. Other twin decides to bike home. See her shadow get stabbed with a spear again. Post sex, Glover asks the girl if he is a dead fuck. Aggressively kisses the girls when she says it was excellent. He's going to celebrate with a bottle of wine but can't find the corkscrew. Jason stabs it into his hand in the meat cleaver is his face. Eventually the rest of the redshirts get killed off. Some of them are okay but I won't go into detail.

Here are some things... The dog hasn't been in the movie since long before Jason showed up but suddenly and for no reason jumps out the window. Like through the glass and everything. Was that a suicide? Completely random and totally insane. Does not get addressed. Also, the mom is missing, she was walking around outside and screamed or something, but that goes unexplained. Sister is out looking for her while Feldman walks about the house like an idiot. She comes to the expert's camp. The homeless guy freaks out she is in his tent which he machetes like an idiot. Once the sister comes back to the house, the one that the kids are staying in, with the Jason expert, the maniac instantly attacks him. He just stands there and takes all these lashes while yelling, “he's killing me! He's killing me!” I shit you negative, he was fucking screaming that. So he obviously dies. But the sister does the thing where she sort of runs, gets just out of sight, stops, then runs back to check on the guy that is clearly dead. This is standard Friday the 13th survivor girl behavior but she makes it out. Jason has blocked each entrance with the body of one of his victims. She jumps out the window and runs home at maximum effort. She is flying. Jason comes out. Sees the dude he has crucified the railing of the side door. Just pulls him off with the nail through the guy's hands pealing flesh away. It is a nice little touch. 

She goes back to the house and finds Feldman. Jason busts through a window while she is telling him about it and grabs Feldman. The sister goes fucking apeshit on Jason with a hammer. This girl is all out. She deserves to live, damnit. She is tough as shit though not the smartest. Jason is just exploding through front doors at this point. They lock themselves in a bedroom and just wait for him to bust in. Nail him with a TV. She gets cornered and dives out of the second story window. They show the landing and all that. It is fucking brutal. Feldman was supposed to leave. She comes back. He is there cutting his hair. It is fucking weird. She is like, “WTF, man?” She machetes Jason's hand. It's a nice effect. Meanwhile, Feldman is Bicing his long ass hair with a disposable. Yeah, unlikely. If this were real life, either Feldman would have bled to death from self-inflicted razor wounds or he'd want to die that would be so painful. Sister is fighting Jason, she is beating the shit out him. This actress is really just going at it. Feldman distracts him by looking so weird. This gives the sister enough time to whack him, knocking off his mask. See his face. Again, completely different. Now Feldman picks up the machete and gives Jason a chop to the head. He falls. His face slides down the blade. It's a pretty cool effect. 


No way Jason comes back from that! Yeah, he twitches. Feldman sees it and is not fucking around and goes on to machete him for a solid 20 seconds. Sister is screaming for him to stop, but why? So that's it. Jason is dead(ish) and Feldman is looking like he is going to become the next killer. Sort of a letdown of an ending for a supposedly last movie for the franchise. It was otherwise solid though and we all know there are a crap-ton more of these that get made over the next couple of years. 

MonsterVision


Let's check in to see what MonsterVision host Joe Bob Briggs has to say... Yeah, didn't have the rights. 

Friday, June 16, 2017

Friday the 13th Part 3 is the greatest movie of all time

Two for two after the original Friday the 13th, which was trash, with Part 3 not quite living up to Part 2 but not bad on the whole. The movie is the same movie as Part 2 with a hockey mask instead of a sack of potatoes, the biggest loser in all of film, a brunette only cast, urban thugs, and some implied rape. It is what it is: more dumb kids getting killed in creative ways (but with less nudity).

Pros: Decent kills. Some of them you can tell were shot just for the 3D (like the harpoon to the eye and the POV kills) but are still pretty good, especially the guy walking on his hands. 

Cons: Basically just redo the second movie but not as well. Less of what we want in terms of killing and boning and what not. 

Notes: Starts with the standard recap. We get the “you've done your job well; mommy is pleased” bit from Part 2. Like the first 15 minutes of the movie are the last 15 minutes of the previous movie. I already saw this shit. Get to the credits, finally. Sort of a nice intro. Decent, weird song. Coming at you lettering. Obviously was in 3-D.

"It's me, Haroldo"
Starts with with this guy Harold, some pretty cool looking mustachioed Camp Crystal Lake convenience store proprietor, walking around outside his store. His bitch of a wife goes off on him. She is watching the news which features the Jason murders which just happened. She thinks she sees Harold walking about outside among the clothes she has hung to dry. It is obviously J. Back to Harold in the store, eating fish food. Has a bunny in the produce. Animal lover. He also samples all of these packaged items in the store. Wifey catches him and bitches at him some more. Goes out to put the bunny up. A snake has killed the rest of them. He runs out and goes and takes a shit, leaving the rabbit there. It is the weirdest thing. I like this guy. He'll probably make it. Starts to go outside. Rethinks it. Turns the light on. Now goes outside. Immediately takes a clever to the gut and dies. Bitchy wife dies not long after.

"We should go do it!" "Yeah."
"We're all toast, man"
Now it's the next day. So this is Saturday the 14th, technically. More campers. Already talking about boning. One of the girls had something happen to her at the lake and now she is going back as the fifth wheel in a double-date situation. Go pick up the fifth girl who is actually the weird guy's date. He sulks around talking about how ugly he is. The girl they pick up is like, “are you my date.” He apologizes. This guy. All three of the girls look exactly the same. They think the van is on fire so they run back. Turns out the hippies are just toking, man. Yet another brunette. The dude is a Tommy Chong ripoff. One of them is preggers. What? They get pulled over. With weed in 1982, I can only assume they'll get consecutive life terms. But the cops just roll on by. Dealing with mass murder and all. I guess Paul and Amy Steel are dead. Probably Muffy, the dog, too.

Every damn movie
Come up on an insane old person in the road. Why is this shit necessary? They pick him up. He starts right in with the crazy. “You are indeed, all of you, kind and generous young people,” he says. “Look what his grace has bestowed upon me,” and whips out an eyeball. “I found this today. There were other parts of the body but he said he wanted me to have this. We wanted me to warn you. Look upon this omen. Go back from whence ye came. I have warned thee.” Yeah, the kids are fucking ghost. I can't believe how much more annoying this guy is than Ralph who was insanely irritating in his own right. 
They get to the camp which should so be shut the fuck down. The one chick who had the issue speaks about being back there in the vaguest way possible. "I've been emotionally scared by years of unspoken verbal abuse by my father... It's not what he said; it's what he didn't say." Her BF, Rick, shows up. He is extremely unpleasant. Basically everything he says to Chris, the final girl, is pressuring her into sex. Talks about how he can't take anymore cold showers and tells her she is getting fat. She is like, “oh, you, stop.” Back to the van. The door is open. She is like, “huh, I thought I closed that,” implying Jason opened it. But then the kid with no self-esteem, Shelly, is in there. Huh? She is like “why aren't you at the lake.” He is like, “everyone went skinny dipping and I'm not skinny enough.” Whant Wah. This dude is a walking advertisement for abortion. I can't think of a bigger buzzkill than this idiot. He is like Debbie Downer without the irony. The next time we hear from him he is screaming. They go look for him and he has made himself up to look like he has an ax in his head. Fuck this asshole. This guy better die soon, for real.

"Sorry you're in the car with such a loser."
Shelly and the brunette he is into go to a convenient store. It is insane. First, the chick behind the register tells the camper chick, who hasn't pulled out a wallet or anything, that they “don't accept no food stamps.” She is like, “oh, I guess I need money.” The one idiot, Shelly, is looking at porn magazines. He tosses her his wallet and this urban street gang shows up out of nowhere and strong-arms it. The lady in the group pulls out a condom from it and mocks everyone with it as well as other threatening gestures. They leave and the black dude comes out. Nervous Shelly puts the car in reverse and smashes into their motorcycles. "Like I've ever drove before." The black dude smashes windows of Rick's car with a chain. Shelly is pissed and has a car which he weaponizes and runs over their bikes, again. Biker shakes his fist and swears he'll get his revenge.

Shelly shows up with the smashed car that he borrowed from Rick and trashed. He shows no remorse for this. He may be a borderline personality. Rick has had enough. Wants to leave. Chris wants him to stay but he sees no point as his dick wasn't at that moment wet. Chris dooms him by convincing him to stay. 

Bikers show up to get their revenge. Just end up stealing their gas. Seems a pretty reasonable, nonviolent way of get back at the kids who trashed their rides. For this they get killed horrible. (Later see the black dude is still holding on).

Get a bunch filler stuff for the next half hour. The super horny guy, not Chris's dude but the other one, just starts walking on his hands for no reason and does this for the rest of the movie. Shelly tries to score with the brunette he is there with. Her vagina recoils in horror. She isn't brutal about turning him down though. When she is out of earshot he calls her a “bitch.” End this guy already. Chris keeps being vague. Reminded me of the girl in Futurama, hence the above quote, until we find out that Jason may have sexually assaulted her. We Jason's face for the first time since the very beginning of the movie which was actually from the last movie. Here he looks completely fucking different. That shit happened yesterday in this universe.

And even more dicking around with no killing. Tommy Chong and the stoner chick go into the barn where Jason has set up camp. They leave and it is uneventful. Chong also goes to the outhouse where he takes a shit and smokes a doob. They really need to cut some of this shit. Shelly scares the one girl he was trying to score with by grabbing her foot that she is toeing in the water from the dock. He is wearing the infamous hockey mask and has a harpoon gun for some reason. He is like, “haha, you need to relax, stop being an uptight bitch.” Fucking kill this guy already. 
 
And now we get to it

After more real-time walking around and checking shit out we finally get some kills and they just keep coming. The chick Shelly wants to do gets a harpoon to the eye. The one dude walking around on his hands gets a machete chop upside down to the crotch. We see him later and it is gnarly. His lovely GF takes a post coital shower and then does some light reading of a Fangoria mag. Article about Tom Savini, the legendary makeup guy from 1 and 4, also Sexmachine from From Dusk Till Dawn. Blood trickles down on it. Looks up, sees her dude chopped from stem to sternum. Jason stabs her from under the hammock. Jason then kills the stoner by throwing him into a fuse box. Stoner chick, who is just the worst actress, gets stabbed with a hot poker. Dickhead sexual predator dude's head gets crushed. His eye pops out. 


Chris eventually sees all the carnage. Jason chases her about. Stabs him in the hand. Comes at him like a fucking maniac. Bashes him with a giant log. Gets in the van. Tries to run him down. Out of gas. The punks stole it. Stuck on the bridge. Jason's hands get stuck in the window of her car. She bolts. Falls multiple times. She heads to Jason's body barn. Bonks him with a shovel and hangs him. He looks dead. He is not. 


Get the full frontal Jason. Totally different guy from 2. Black biker shows back up to save the day. I mean die. Gets his arm immediately chopped off and macheted to overkill. Chris comes at Jason and gives him an ax to the head. Reaches out like a freak. She doesn't realize he is a supernatural being. He is bleeding after all. But the old "if it bleeds we can kill it" rule of thumb does not apply. She gets in a canoe so we can have that standard Jason pulling the girl down into the lake from behind scene. Get like 30 jump scares. Jason sees her from upstairs in the house. Sprints at her with maximum effort. And it is the rotting mother that pulls her down. What the hell?


She is now a lunatic. The cops just leave Jason's body there to chill. Sweet Jason music to end it. Also, obviously room there for a sequel. And here we go.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Friday the 13th: Part 2 is the greatest movie of all time

After the garbage that was the original Friday the13th, I was expecting total trash. To my surprise, this was actually watchable. Again, the movie doesn't really add anything to the slasher genre, but it was a much more fun than I was expecting. Pretty ladies, gratuitous nudity, and nasty kills make for a pretty enjoyable fright.

Kirsten Baker, a pretty lady
In this one we pick up five years after the original. Here Jason stalks and kills camp counselors who fail to live up to the horror genre survivor rules like no drug or sex. All I remembered about it was that it was the first actual Jason as the killer movie, there is no hockey mask involved, and the final girl form the original gets killed in the first scene of the movie. I had no idea that the survivor girl in this movie was Amy Steel who was also the final girl in another solid flick in April Fool's Day. She is great. It's weird she didn't become more famous.

Pros: It is not The Godfather but it is everything I want from a cheesy horror movie. Awesome kills, beautiful ladies, gratuitous nudity.

Cons: Other than it being like a million other slashers and Jason not wearing a hockey mask, this flick was flawless.

Sack of Potatoes Jason
Notes: First 15 minutes of the movie is reliving the last half of the first one. This is standard for the remaining sequels. Now at present. In real-time we get the survivor girl from the first one talking to her parents on the phone and getting ready for bed. It looks like she is making David Bowie drawings for a living. After another 10 minutes a cat jumps in her apartment. She goes to the fridge to grab the kitty some food and sees Jason's momma's decomposing head in the fridge. She freaks out, Jason comes up from behind her and screw drivers her head. It's a pretty decent kill.

Butt cheek
See the new group of kids going to the newly reopened Camp Crystal Lake. Same old guy, Ralph, comes up to them talking his crazy nonsense about them being doomed. Once they get there we meet the counselors. The ladies are really pretty. One of the dude's is in a wheelchair, setting up one of the more memorable kills from the franchise. We get a gratuitous butt cheek shot as the one in the Mickey Mouse midriff is barely wearing clothes. This idiot Paul, the main camp guy—blonde, hunky—greets his staff. Drones on about fun and work and so forth. Amy Steel shows up in a sweet VW bug. He gives her shit for being late. They later go off alone and make out. That night Paul tells the campfire tale of Jason at the same camp where everyone died just a few years ago. Though the movie came out less than a year after the first one, we hear in the dude's telling that it all went down five years before.

This fucking guy, again
Amy Steel and Paul make out in his cabin. Ralph shows up and peeps on them and does some gross shit which means we are approaching the first kill at the camp. This is a pretty gnarly one, too. Gets garroted with barbed wire.

Jason's amateur carpentry
Everything is pretty normal that next day. Butt Cheeks's dog Muffin gets killed I guess. We see this adventurous couple find dog pieces in the woods. The cops catch them and take them back but no one, except the cop, who dies brutally in Jason's impressively constructed shanty, cares that they were trespassing. We also see Amy Steel's ability to use a chainsaw which plays no part in the movie whatsoever. That evening we get the groups breaking off. Most of the camp goes to the bar in town and is never seen again. Amy Steel, Paul, and this nerdy goofball are the only of these that matter. The goofball gets wasted and manages to pick up a lady at the bar. He is never seen again. As for the six folks that stay behind, all with the intention of getting it on, they all die.

The deaths here are all spectacular. Setting it up is Butt Cheeks going for a little naked swim because why not. The nudity couldn't be more gratuitous or appreciated. This Scott asshole, the one that slingshotted her infamous ass earlier, steals the naked girl's clothes. She chases after him while he rounds around giggling like an idiot. He eventually gets caught in one of those step in the loop traps things that hang you upside down that people in movies always get caught in but no one has ever been caught in IRL. She gets her shirt back and threatens to leave him there. While she is looking for a knife Jason slits his throat. She is then killed off screen much to everyone's disappointment. But then we get a pair of awesome kills. In the first, the kid in the wheelchair gets a machete to the face and falls down 50 stairs. Then the couple that was trespassing gets shish kebabed during sex. And the last girl gets it when she checks on the couple killed while boning when Jason jumps out of the bed with the chick and comes at her with a knife.


Meanwhile, the rest were getting wasted in town. They have a Jason related conversation. Here it goes from Jason being a complete folklore myth to him definitely being real to him definitely being alive out there and growing up alone and scared in the woods. This is now fact in their minds and it is taken as such for the remainder of the franchise. It's bananas.

Paul and Amy Steel come back. The rest are god knows where. They have their "where is everyone" moment. Jason attacks them. Paul just fights him.
He has obviously lost that fight as when Amy Steel was watching and ran away, Jason was on top of Paul, choking him out. But when she hears nothing she comes back and calls for Paul. Jason pops up to no one's surprise and she beats Jason down multiple times before running off. Jason chases her to his shanty in the woods, which, again, is pretty impressive assuming he built it, where he keeps all his bodies. He also has a shrine built for his dead mom. The centerpiece, her head. There is also the sweater she was wearing when the girl in the first one lops off her dome. This gives Amy Steele the idea to try the old dress as the mother trick. It sort of works, she is all "mother is pleased, no more killing," but then he sees the head and they go at it again. She is boned. But Paul comes out of nowhere and they machete him in the neck and shoulder. He appears dead so they take off his sack. They think he is gross but we don't see it.

Baby Ruth!!!
They go back to the cabin. Hear something at the door. It's Muffin, the dog. Yay! Happily ever after... Nope. Jason bursts through the window looking like the Elephant Man and pulls her out, presumably to kill her and set up Part 3.

MonsterVision: Here is Joe Bob Briggs's commentary from his Friday the 13th marathon on Halloween night in 1998. Fucking loved this shit. 

Friday, June 9, 2017

Friday The 13th is the worst movie of all time

Did not fucking like. Out of the big four horror franchises that began in the 10 years ranging from 1974-1984, this one is easily the weakest. While it does have some excellent kills, it is not a very interesting movie. My plan is to watch all of the movies in the franchise... So if this is how the series begins, I can't wait to see the rest of them!

Pretty sweet
Pros: A few of the kills are pretty good. Ditto on Tom Savini's make-up effects.

Cons: Extremely unoriginal. It adds nothing to the movies it rips off—The Town that Dreaded Sundown, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre—all of which I'd rather have watched. The pacing is shit. Long scenes where nothing happens that go nowhere.

Notes: The movie starts out in 1958. Counselors telling ghost stories about a kid that just fucking died. The follow that up with a little coitus. Get the “ch, ch, ch, ha, ha, ha.” And they are kilt.

This fucking idiot
Fast-forward to present day (so 1980). Chick shows up in a gas station/diner thing looking for Camp Crystal Lake. One of the locals, I guess, starts taking her part of the way there when some bumpkin named Ralph comes up saying “oh, you're going to 'camp blood,' the murder camp, not coming back from there. You're doomed. You're all fucking doomed.” Stop being such a drama queen. She hitchhikes, again. First ride is OK Second not so much. Jeep doesn't stop. She jumps out. Hurts her leg and gets chased down and murdered.

Meet the counselors. One is Kevin Bacon. They go for group lake swim. One asshole faked drowning so he can get mouth-to-mouth. Snake gets into the cabin, they brutally kill it for being harmless. Motorcycle cop comes to check things out for no reason. Accuses them of smoking weed. Looking for wild man Ralph. Gets called away on the radio. Immediately Ralph shows up. “I am a messenger of God. You're damned if you stay here. This place is cursed. Cursed. It's got a death curse.” They are like, “yeah, that was probably Ralph.”

Yes!
Now they start to get picked off one by one. Kevin Bacon's death is the coolest and probably jumpstarted his career. He gets arrowed from underneath the bed in the throat. This makes up for nothing.

One of the glaring faults of the movie is the lack of editing that happens. We see one girl getting ready for bed in real time. Just when she is about to nod off she hears what sounds like a child calling for help and she goes out in the pouring rain, in a night gown, mind you. I mean, she just had a slicker on like one minute before. If there were an award for most inappropriate attire imaginable, this chick wins it. But that is not a thing and she ends up getting killed at the archery range instead.

Once they get down to two is when things really start to drag. So much just like waiting around. There is still 35 minutes left and it all happens in real time. Building suspense, I guess, but feels like just watching people go about their evenings since they never really feel like anything is going down. Here they haven't noticed anyone was missing. They finally realize something is up when they find a bloody ax in someone's bed.

They separate somehow. At some point she is finally like, “huh, haven't seen that other guy for a while,” and goes out looking for him. Eventually finds him when she opens a door and he is hanging from it via an arrow in his eye. Freaks out and runs back to her cabin. Barricades it. Body comes through the window. The killer is just on the outside of the cabin. She sees a jeep show up which the killer is totally driving (she must be able to teleport). She lifted it off the new camp owner or whatever. Seeing the familiar jeep, the survivor girl unbarricades the door, runs out, and runs right to Mrs. Vorhees. She is like, “who are you? Thank god! Halp!”

Put it out of its misery
She goes into the cabin with her to check things out. The craziness escalates and it becomes obvious that Mrs. Vorhees is unhinged. Survivor girl goes on the offensive, a bold move, and beats Ms. Vorhees down. She then runs off but keeps running into bodies and freaking out. Meanwhile Ms. Vorhees is completely losing her shit. Talking to herself in Jason's voice, “don't let her live mommy” and so forth. They fight again. Survivor girl cunt punches her. For the next like 10 minutes we get the survivor girl beating down Mrs. Vorhees repeatedly only to have her come back yet again. Survivor girl finally has to chop her head off with a machete to end it once and for all in an infamous scene where we see some stand-in's hairy, meaty hands doubling for Mrs. Vorhees's. Movie is over now except for the final scare when Jason pulls the survivor girl down out of the canoe she is floating around on. You probably know this scene because it happens in every fucking one of these movies thereafter. At that point it might have been a dream or something but the 10 or so sequels that follow suggest that no, he was really there and really pulled her down. He is still a little kid here, though. By the next movie he is like 6'3”. From there he just keeps growing until he is like professional wrestling huge. 

Get used to seeing a lot of this action

Jesus, this movie was indeed shite. There was, however, the consolation prize of this gem of a MonsterVision episode. This was the first part in a 1998 Halloween night marathon, a great night of high school shenanigans which ended with TNT. During the course of the night Joe Bob Briggs is stalked by a would be killer that he discovers to be Ted Turner in the end. I can see why the show didn't last much longer. But man was it worth it. Part 1 of the show below. I post the rest as I watch the films. 

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Wes Craven's New Nightmare is the greatest film of all time

Finishing up the Nightmare movies with Wes Craven's New Nightmare on Robert Englund's 70th birthday. Just one more Freddy movie to go. Now I'm going to watch all the Friday the 13th movies until I get to Freddy vs. Jason. God help me with that endeavor.

New Nightmare was mostly decent except for the end. This was my first viewing since sixth grade. God tier then. Definitely a step below now. Wes Craven is still solid(ish) and the film holds up alright. You can see the wheels turning here for the meta epic that he comes out with a few years later in Scream. This is sort of a prototype for what becomes postmodern horror. On it's own I would say this is one of the better Nightmare movies. I shall rank those here pretty soon.

Pros: Solidly postmodern. Felt totally revolutionary when it came out. Really fucking slick. Return to scary Freddy.

Yes, this shit again
Cons: Bob Shaye, again, is unfortunately all over this one too. Notably the redo of Freddy's disgusting tongue coming out of the phone receiver and licking at Langenkamp's face. Really drags in the middle and the ending isn't the best.

Notes: Opening scene is fucking brutal. It consists of a Langenkamp, Nancy from the first one, on a Nightmare set with her family, acting and what not, when the robot Freddy hand comes to life and starts slaughtering people. Husband is a FX guy. Son is the “boys have penises and girls have Kindergarten Cop. Wes Craven is there, too. IRL it was all a dream. Had an earthquake. Kid is watching NOES and freaks out. She gets a “One, two, Freddy's coming for you,” prank call. Goes on a show. Getting pub for the 10th anniversary of 1. Uncle Freddy comes out. Hams it up. She goes and sees Bob Shaye. He's proposing a definitive Nightmare movie. Says that him and Wes haven't talked for 10 years because Wes hasn't had any “really scary nightmares.” Pretty sure that wasn't why. Also says that while they were going to leave Freddy dead, “the fans” won't let them. Pretty sure that wasn't true either at that point.

The adored child murderer, hamming it up
We start learning stuff about Langenkamp's son who is losing it. He has this stuffed T-rex he names “Rex.” Rex is the kid's protector. Pretty cool idea and keeps showing up with Freddy wounds. They stitch him up and he is ready to go again. Rex is constantly waking the kid up fighting Freddy, he tells his moms. He has another freakout while the dad is away working on a movie. Langenkamp calls him up on his ginormous cellular telephone and he decides to drive four hours to get back home. Langenkamp dreams his death. It goes thus: he is all over the road dozing off. Falls asleep driving. He tries to call home on his massive, barely functional cellular phone. Nothing. Dozing again. We see the knives from the glove come out of the seat and sort of flick his crotch. He is totally out. The glove comes out and slashes his chest and wrecks his car. Wakes from her dream. Police show up to tell her he's dead. She demands to see the body. At the coroner's she sees the Freddy slashes and pukes.

At the funeral the wind blows like crazy, earthquake. She falls and hits her head on the coffin. It's crazy. The kid disappears. Is getting pulled into the coffin by Freddy. She saves him. Her husband reanimates and attacks him. She wakes. John Saxon saves her. He is the best. In the background in the crowd we see Wes shaking hands with Shaye. Robert Englund is awkward. Seeing the swarthy dude from the original NOES in the background as well.

The infamous painting
Kid keeps watching the original NOES, a glutton for punishment, which is apparently always on cable. He is singing the Freddy song. Heard it from under the bed, he says. He tells her Freddy is trying to get into their world, well no shit. He has a nose bleed and she takes him away to clean it. We see the TV is unplugged. She takes him to the playground the next morning and meets Saxon. While they talk the boy climbs on top of this death trap of a spaceship jungle gym. That you can climb out of the top of this is crazy. She goes home. Is getting mail from a “stalker” which includes one letter of the alphabet on a single Bible page. Calls Robert. See Robert's shitty paintings. He is working on a Freddy one. He is having dreams, too. It's such a shit painting.

A candid of Langenkamp with her favorite prop

All the dreams and stuff keep escalating. The kid gets more and more Freddy obsessed. Comes at his momma in her dream with little steak knives attached to his fingers. She wakes and comes down stairs. The kid has arranged the pages to spell “answer the phone.” I start wondering here if this movie is actually bad and I just have nostalgia for it. Anyway, the phone, it rings. She does indeed answer it. It's Freddy. His tongue comes through the phone and licks her face, again. God damn it. What the fuck. Bob Shaye loves that shit, obviously. It's still fucking gross and not scary. It makes the kid puke, which yeah. He fucking loses it. Kid goes to the hospital. Nurse is Bob Shaye's sister, Lin Shaye. You might remember her as the gross landlord from Kingpin.

Such an elegant gesture

Langenkamp goes to see Craven. Tells her about the script. Gist is “when the story dies, the evil is set free,” he says. Explains the mythology of it. Basically has to go through someone real, her, to become real. She is like, “what the hell, man, that is all really happening to me.” He's basically a tulpa. If you watch Supernatural, then you know about this. A tulpa is a pretty cool concept that comes from Tibetan Buddhism. The word means “emanation” or “manifestation.” What it basically is is a being or object which is created through spiritual or mental powers. Something that comes into being because you believe it.

When he does come into being, Freddy shows up wearing leather pants. He needs better friends. Someone to tell him he looks ridiculous. Chuck Klosterman once wrote something along the lines of if the world was ending in 10 minutes and a friend were to show up wearing leather pants, he would spend all of his remaining time roasting friend in said leather pants.

Fucking brutal
There are two really good scenes near the end. The first is when the kid's babysitter gets killed. It is like the one in the original where Freddy drags the girl around on the ceiling except more brutal. It's sort of a long time coming and also out of nowhere. It's solid. The other is when the actors start losing touch with reality. Saxon is there helping Langenkamp when suddenly he starts calling her Nancy and saying that she is his daughter and he is a cop. At first she resists it and then that becomes reality. It's so dreamlike and cool. That shit is fucking great.

There are also some not so great scenes near the end. One is the highway scene. The kid and the mom are running across the highway while a giant Freddy fucks with them from above, picking them up with his knife finger and shit. It looks like such shit. Like incredibly fucking bad. The green screen looks absurd and she has the worst stunt double ever. It is someone with a completely different body type and a very shitty wig. It's not good.

Gross
The final scene doesn't age well either. After Freddie beats on Langenkamp, he gets to where he is like going to eat the kid like a snake but Langenkamp saves him. Again, looks like shit. Then the stupid stairs scene from 1 comes back. Another scene no one asked for. Basically the end is a bunch of the worst Freddy scenes from the previous movies montaged together into a bullshit fight scene. It ends when Freddys uses his long snake tongue to try to choke Langenkamp out which we have seen before. But the kid stabs it and Freddy ends up in a furnace and gets cremated. Anticlimax. Then once they leave the dream, Langenkamp finds Wes's script. It was all in there. Not the greatest ending but it sure as shit was a lot better that Freddy's Dead: The FinalNightmare. I probably won't ever watch it again but it was pretty good. Would have ended the series nicely. But then they had to do Freddy vs. Jason. I'll get to my outrage on that one eventually. 

Pretty much says it all

Monday, June 5, 2017

The People Under the Stairs is greatest worst movie of all time

Combine Home Alone and Don't Breathe and you get The People Under the Stairs. The film follows a young black kid named Fool who is a bad fucking way. His mother is dying of a totally treatable form of cancer—get used to this playing out again after Obamacare gets republicanized—and they are about to get evicted by the slumlords that own their building (keep in mind, slumlords were getting a lot press at the time). Fool ends up joining Ving Rhames and a white dude on an attempted burglary at the landlords' home. Turns out the property owners are an incestuous brother/sister pair that have some weird shit going on as they've been abducting children to raise as their own, only to mutilate them and throw them in the basement when they fail to live up to their unrealistic expectations (which I assume is the normal Christian way of raising a child). The burglars die almost immediately, living Fool to fend for himself in the walls of the mansion with the help of the couple's “daughter” who so far hasn't disappointed them enough to cut out her tongue or anything.

There is some nostalgia for this movie on my end. It came out when I was 9 and was the first R-rated movie I saw in the theaters. There were like 30 of us that went as a part of some kid's birthday celebration. The kid's negligent parent took us in a bus from the community center to the theater. The manager, I recall, was not very keen on letting a shitload of wild ass 6-10 year olds watch a Wes Craven movie with minimal parental supervision but trying to force us into Beauty and the Beast wasn't going to happen. At the time, I fucking loved it. Hadn't seen it since. Time for a rewatch... Now it wasn't great, but was still solid enough to recommend it as an absurd cinematic experience.

Pros: Wes Craven is so good. Way over the top to the point of hilarity. Borders on slapstick comedy. I'd almost swear it was a Raimi movie if I didn't know better. Great pacing. Kid actor is pretty good for a child.

Cons: This movie doesn't know what it wants to be: social commentary, creepy horror, or zany comedy. Acting isn't the best. Parts of the movie weren't great. Sort drags on near the end... It's also extremely racist. I give this movie a lot of passes for nostalgic purposes.

Fool and Ving in happier times
Meet the protagonist. Fool is his name. He's 13 years old. His sister is the ethnic chick in the fifth Nightmare on Elm Street movie, The DreamChild. They are in a shit situation. Mom is sick and dying of a curable disease and they are getting evicted. Ving Rhames is maybe the sister's boyfriend or something. It isn't super clear. He is a raging asshole. Well, he has found out where their landlords live. Wes Craven is so good. Just gets right to it and have natural dialogue.

Once we get our first glimpses of the slumlords we see it is Big Ed and Nadine from TwinPeaks. She is crazier in this movie, slightly, but Big Ed is way more insane. This movie is basically what would've happened if the two had procreated in Twin Peaks. See something's going on with the daughter. Totally abuse her and all that.

Ving, Fool, and this white guy, Spencer, go to the house to steal the money the landlords are rumored to have. Fool tries to get in dressed as a boy scout, selling boy scout cookies which isn't a think, but is rebuffed. Now Spencer goes up to it and weasels his way in the house but doesn't come out. Really funny line here. Fool keeps on floating hypotheticals. Maybe this. Maybe that. And Ving says "maybe the president's gonna make me the secretary of Pussy,” which was golden. Keeps it coming with his zany antics. Another zinger at Fool, “You're too old to get to tit and too young to get ass.” “He's fucked either way,” he says. Classic.

The couple leaves. Fool and Ving break in. They are immediately attacked by a Rottweiler. They subdue the dog and separate. Fool goes to the basement. He finds Spencer. His hair has gone white. People under the stairs sort of come at Fool. Roach jumped on his back scares the shit out of him. He takes off. The folks come back. Ving eventually gets killed and they realize, at some point, that they have another person in the house. They know right away it was the boy scout.

Foo!
This is where the movie really starts toeing the line between straight up comedy and over the top horror. Some examples, when Fool is getting attacked by the people under the stairs, basically a 90s grunge band, Roach scares them off by like playing with Ving's corpse and making him look like a zombie. That is like Fool's father figure but he rolls with it. At another point the dog is barking, obviously because of Fool's antics, and Big Ed comes out and yells, “shut the fuck up!” in the most hilarious way possible. When I saw this in the theater it was the funniest thing anyone had ever seen.

Fool escapes once but comes back for the daughter. He calls the cops who are naturally easily distracted and think all is cool. Fool gets in during this shit show. He then hears the parents talking about a bunch of bull shit in their room. Think the coast is clear, he prances about the house. But surprise. The parents recorded that conversation during the day or something and played it on a tape player to fool him. Wha? This is insane and makes no fucking sense. What is awesome though is now Big Ed is wearing a gimp suit because it's hilarious.

Of course Fool keeps breaking away and crawling around through the walls for another 30 minutes. At one point they lift a scene straight out of Home Alone when Fool makes a bunch of noise in the chimney so that Gimp Daddy climbs in and looks up. Gimp gets hit in the face with a brick. Totally Home Aloned you, bra.

Lotta this action
Parents eventually get theirs. The mom, who runs through most of her last 10 minutes screaming and running around with a butcher knife like a lunatic, takes her first blow when the daughter busts out the ceiling out of nowhere like a maniac and smashes her face into the floor. She doesn't finish the job though. Mom is looking rough AF now. Fool, who talked the people under the stairs into helping him by basically promising them that he will help them score with chicks when they get out, are now all about helping Fool and the daughter girl. So yeah, the gets eaten by the people under the stairs but not before she again runs around screaming with the knife like a wild person. This movie was made by insane people.

The end involves this slick, sort of unnecessary, and totally unrealistic trick with the coins that is yet another Home Alone esque gag. Takes place in this storage room filmed with gold coins and bills. Money is fucking everywhere. It's enough to swim in Scrooge McDuck style. What Fool does is he puts the coins in these candles and lights them so that the coins fall as the candles melt so that Big Ed thinks he is like fingering the coins or something. The coins fall out at a rate of one every three seconds instead of the more realistic 45 minutes. This leads to Fool blowing up the storage room with Big Ed, the money, TNT, and all. This kills Big Ed, finally. Money starts raining down from the sky. They practically call it a ghetto miracle. All the money is completely in tact. We also see the people under the stairs are loose and on a mission to score. Roll credits. I'm sure things end up going well for them. All in all, pretty funny for a movie about mutilating and confining a bunch of kids in a basement. 

They are out there, ladies
UPDATE: Forgot to check on those "Drive-In Totals" as Monstervision totally did this flick. Whenever the godly Joe Bob Briggs and I agree on shit I feel somewhat validated with this bullshit bloggy blog. Enjoy!