Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master is the worst movie of all time

Not nearly as bad as I thought it would be but it still not very good. Freddy is still somewhat scary but just cusping on completely ridiculous. The acting is crazy bad. It's also a disgusting movie. Overall it was sort of fun--probably not for the right reasons though--but I will never watch it again. I'm also starting to hate these movies and I still have four to go (not counting the reboot).

In this one, Krueger comes back, yet again, to kill the surviving Dream Warriors and a whole new group of teens. Yep, that's what's happening. They are just churning these out once a year at this point. Also, this was the highest grossing horror movies of the 1980s. 
 
NOES 4: The Dream Master has a Fresh score of 53% which I found somewhat unbelievable.

Pros: Some good kills/special effects. Sort of scary. Starting to get unintentionally humorous (which is probably a con for most people).

Cons: Nothing new here. Bad music. Bad acting. Some problematic world building, again. 

They are both blonde
Notes: Open with shitty music. A movie also known for its great soundtrack (yeah, it's bad). Also immediately starts with very shitty acting. Blonde in Freddy's house gets blown back like 40 feet when the window implodes. Walks right into the boiler room. Oh shit. This is supposed to be Patricia Arquette's character from NOES 3: The Dream Warriors, Kristen. It took me way too long to realize this and just fucking watched that movie. This actress's name is Tuesday Knight which is an absurd thing for your parents to call you. Apparently Arquette was preggers and that was why she didn't come back. This new chick looks NOTHING like her. In her dream, the other surviving dream warriors show up, she has that ability to rally the troops in her dreams. I guess they still hang. She keeps telling them Freddy is still alive but they swear he's dead. I just watched NOES 3 and I don't know if I am supposed to recognize these people are not. 

One of the new people, Rick, brother of the survivor girl, Alice, does a bunch of this shitty karate which is fucking absurd. These guys are brother and sister but almost make out multiple times. Dad is abusive. Mother is dead. Have some weird shit going on in this house. Every time this chick and the blonde that took over for Arquette are on screen together, droning on about god knows what, it is like a bad acting off. 

Yes, a dog brings Freddy back by peeing fire on him
Again, no one thinks Freddy is around anymore. Think the idea he could come back is absurd. Then Kincaid, the black dream warrior, goes to sleep with his dog. In the dream his dog attacks him and is like a hound of hell or something. What this dog does to bring Freddy back is the most absurd thing I've seen in a movie. So, the dog pees fire on the ground where Freddy's bones are buried which brings him back to life. Da fuck? He dead. On to the next dream warrior, Joey. You may remember him as the one that got literally "tongue tied" in Dream Warriors when Freddy shape-shifted into a hot nurse before taking him hostage for most of the rest of that movie. In this one, Freddy does the SAME FUCKING THING except this time instead of a nurse coming at him on the hospital bed Freddy comes at him as a beer poster girl through the waterbed. This is where the one-liners really start to pick up and must of them suck. It's like, “hey, remember when I said that shit before I killed that chick in the last movie? 'Welcome to prime time, bitch.' You liked that, huh? I'm going to do that for every kill from now on.” This one is “how is this for a wet-dream?” Boo.

Why is this necessary?
Honestly, so far the movie has been okay. Around here, though, some shit starts to irritate me. First, there Robert England in drag for no fucking reason. I'm going to blame this on producer Bob Shaye as I do everything else. Second, the brainiac chick in this movie, some robotics super genius, says “li-barry” instead of “library. Third, they go by Freddy's house which is all run down and shitty looking. How the fuck is this house still standing?

Arquette's stand-in's mom is still an aggressive bitch. Chick eventually faces off with Freddy. Around here somewhere she is dreaming of relaxing on the beach but Freddy turns into this sand shark thing with his glove as the fin and he explodes out of the sand. It's sort of cool but cheesy. Pulls Alice into the dream. As Freddy tosses her into a fire to get burned alive, she shoots out some infamous 80s blue lightning, giving Alice her powers of bringing people into her dreams and aerobic exercise. Here we are, 40 minutes in and all the dream warriors are dead. Feels like a four hour movie by this point. Alice also starts getting the powers of the people Freddy kills.

Those still living are all, "Freddy isn't real." How do they not believe in Freddy by this point? That starts to change when they are in class and the "genius" chick passes out. This is the "wanna suck face" death which is fucking gross and dumb but looks sort of cool. In the middle of this we get another shitty Bob Shaye cameo. Fuck this guy. Teaching a class on, what, dream masters? More falling asleep in class. Here is where things go off the rails. New rules every fucking movie. Now he needs someone, Alice and previously Kristen, to pull people into her dream and then he kills that person. What? Terrible fucking world building. 
Next we get some horrible karate with invisible Kruger and Rick. Freddy is saying all this sensei type stuff. Rick kicks the glove off, good deal, but it flies out and stabs him in the chest, bad deal. Alice has a daydream he still alive. It's fucking stupid. Says “baaaaa-bay” like a moron. She's like picking up powers from everyone who dies still. She can use nunchaku now or at least the dude with completely different hair posing as her body double can use nunchakus pretty well, I guess… I have no idea.

She goes to see Refer Madness in a dream maybe or IRL and then falls asleep there. It doesn’t matter. Ends up in a different movie. At the diner. The infamous pizza with pepperoni souls. She is working at the dinner, serving herself, I think, made to look all old. Freddy tells her he wants the chick that works out all the time. They keep referencing how fit she is. It's not like she's a fucking bodybuilder. She even benches with Flo-Jo like nails. Freddy is spotting her. I think she's lifting A 10 pound bar with 10 pound plates. He does a shit job and breaks her arms. They fall off and she turns into like a cockroach or something. I don't understand. He catches her with a glue trap and a roach motel. He smashes it. Wtf is happening?

No previous references to this were made
Alice is now pissed. Tallies up all her powers in physical display by putting on her person something from each of the dead kids. It's like, "now that I look ridiculous, I can go kick ass." And she does. Alice beats the shit out of Freddy for like 45 seconds with maximum effort. Freddy just laughs like a maniac for most of it. Obviously not working. All that shit is worthless. Then she recalls the final verse of the Dream Master rhyme that I thought had no relevance in the movie up until that point. So if I understand correctly, she more or less defeats Freddy by turning the evil or souls inside him against him. What? And those souls like burst out of him and rip him apart. I don't fucking understand. There is more to it than that, I'm sure, with the words in the rhyme having some sort of meaning. But I don't fucking care. It's fucking lame. And then the movie ends with the hint of another Freddy return and sequel. Four more to go. Four more to go. Halfway there.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Club Dread is the greatest movie of all time

I love the Super Trooper guys (their group is called Broken Lizard) and don't get why they don't make more movies. Club Dread, which I fucking love, is not well liked by audiences or critics. I think it rules. Those sheeple don't know what they are talking about. Basically, this movie is universally considered “unfunny”. Well, that shit is subjective. I think it is hilarious. I am not going to argue for why those people are wrong but they are. 

Drinking away in Pina Coladaburg
Movie follows the employs on a resort called Pleasure Island that is owned by Buffett-esque musician Coconut Pete. The employees and some guests are getting murdered while the ones that are left try to solve the mystery of the killer's identity. If this were like a murder-mystery weekend, I would totally be fucking down. 


Pros: HILARIOUS. I LOLed through several parts of the movie. Nice satire on the slasher genre. Better done than say a Scary Movie. Nice little story as well, And Then There Were None esque. Very pretty ladies.

Cons: Pretty long. There is a period in the middle that sort of just drags on forever where nothing really happens.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending. 

Notes: Movie takes place on Pleasure Island. Opens with this raging asshole who is getting it on with this two chicks. They immediately break so many horror movie rules that you just know they are going to die. So out of control and disrespectful it is insane. He like uses some local deity icon thing as a phallus and hooks up with ladies on this tomb. Throughout all that there are like 10 jump scares that all end up being red herrings. Brunette has great breasts, by the way. Of course they all eventually get murdered. See the brunette almost make it back to camp but the killer chops her head off. Cool POV kill where we see the head rolling from the head's perspective.

Ger
From there they then go back in time about an hour. Spend so much time setting that guy up as the world's biggest douchebag. We meet all the characters here. Ramathorn is a dreaded tennis instructor. Landfill is a masseuse. There is a fun cop, a DJ, a Costa Rican dude who is all about Bone Town, a fitness instructor who is one of the survivor girls and is very fit. She was the love interest in Joe Dirt. Most memorable, though, is Bill Paxton as Coconut Pete. This character is Jimmy Buffett. At one point they are in a song circle and someone tells him to play “Margaritaville” which pisses him off. Says his song was “Pina Coladaburg” and that Buffett ripped it off.

Anywho, this vacation spot looks fucking sick. Solid activities. Constant parties. Drinking. Drugs. Live action Pac-Man. Murder. Looks fucking dope.

The DJ tells the story of this guy named Colletti who got his dick chopped off by a machete, went on a murder rampage, and escaped into the jungle. He was then forever known as “Machete Phil” which is funny. Other little funny bits include one of the survivor girls, Penelope. Costa Rican dude always pronounces her name “Peen-el-ope”. There is also a Jaws moment where this old, grizzled security guy is all like “you know what has to be done,” and then the camera slowly pans to him as he drones on nonsense. Later the guy is talking shit to the killer, things like “face me like a man,” when the killer walks up to him, slashes his throat causing his immediate death. He was sort of protecting this Asian girl at the time. She runs off, get on a golf cart, fiddles with the keys, finally get it in drive. Goes about five miles an hour. Killer walks up to her and kills her. Ha.

All in all, solid movie. Good death scenes with a lot of humor. I totally love this flick.  

Friday, April 21, 2017

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors is the greatest movie of all time

Three Nightmare on Elm Street movies in and this one is my favorite thus far. Wes Craven returns as writer, which is obviously a positive, and they more or less ignore the previous movie, which is also for the best. Just missed the 30 year anniversary for this solid piece of horror kitsch.

In this NOES iteration we have good old Fredrick Krueger going after the last of the kids whose parents murdered him all of whom are staying at this mental hospital for reasons. Nancy is there in an official capacity, she must have been a real go getter at school to already be some sort of psychologist three years after the original NOES so just roll with it, to teach the children how to lucid dream. As such, each of these kids basically develop some sort of superpower that they use whilst in dreamland to combat Freddy scissor hand.

Heather Langenkamp returns as survivor girl Nancy from the first one. Her pops, the ever cool John Saxon, he back as well. Also features a very young Patricia Arquette. Others making appearances that you would know are Lawrence Fishburne and the guy from Body Double who looks exactly like Bill Maher, Craig Wasson. And of course Robert Englund. A lot to like about this one. After Freddy's Revenge this was sincerely welcomed.

Interesting piece of trivia about this film.Sam Raimi stole Freddy's glove and used it as a prop piece in Evil Dead II, my all time favorite flick, which came out that same year. Wes Craven and Raimi had this thing where they would have little nods to one another in their movies throughout the decade as a way of saying "my movie is scarier than yours." It all started with Craven putting a Jaws poster in The Hills Have Eyes. Raimi, thinking that was cool, decided to do the same thing when in The Evil Dead he featured a scene with a torn The Hills Have Eyes poster to basically say the same thing. Next, Craven had Nancy's character in A Nightmare on Elm Street trying to stay up while watching The Evil Dead It then culminated with stealing the glove which you can see in the shed above the door.

Should have been flipping the bird

Pros: Cast is fucking dope and surprisingly well acted for a NOES flick. Effects are also solid. Fantastic kills. Dream sequences are eerie and cool.

Cons: Freddy's backstory is pretty weak. A few of the effects don't age very well (the fighting Freddy bones). Also, Freddy at one point coexists both as a physical skeleton and an ethereal dream killer which is sort of problematic (like, is the skeleton on autopilot while fights with kids or what?).

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Is she not adorable? Also, Freddy totally looks like a phallus
Notes: Movie opens with Arquette. Good call more or less building the movie around the young starlet who looks like an adorable child at this point in her career. Dreams that Freddy is chasing her about in some shitty house. He comes at and slices her wrists before she comes to. Her mother, a real Mommy Dearest type, thinks she tried to eliminate her own map and sticks her in an institution where Nancy is on staff as some sort of intern or something. Her methods are not conventional.

A couple of really fucking cool early deaths. Probably the two best in the franchise and they run back-to-back. The first is this sleepwalker dude. With this poor bastard Freddy basically pulls out the tendons on his arms and legs and fucking walks him around like a puppet. He then takes him to the ledge of the building and cuts the "strings" which causes him to splat below. In the second, the other blonde one that is not Arquette earns a spectacular death that ushers in the era of Freddy dropping one-liners before every kill. She starts the scene by watching TV in the common room. The Dick Cavett Show is this evening's chosen entertainment. How they got Cavett to do this cameo is beyond me. That night he was interviewing Zsa Zsa Gabor. She was an actress at one time, of course, but by this point, and the way I remember her, she was little more than a socialite, sort of like Paris Hilton, whom she was actually related to by marriage. He was supposed to interview Sally Kellerman for the bit, I always thought she was really pretty, but she didn't end up doing it for whatever reason. Cavett was then allowed to choose the person who he'd interview. He picked Zsa Zsa saying "she was the dumbest person" he'd ever met in his life, he'd never have her on his show IRL, and if there was one person he'd want to see killed by Freddy it would be her. Their back and forth is ridiculous. She is wearing this feathery boa thing. Cavett asks her how many animals died for that thing. Zsa Zsa is like, "I don't know. Is it real? I don't know where it comes from." Cavett is like, "Oh, it probably came from an artificial bird." They drone on about how to succeed as an actress and such, ironically, when he turns to her and says, "can I ask you something?" Zsa Zsa, "uh, ok." Then Cavett says, "who gives a fuck what you think," turns into Freddy, and fucking kills her. The girl is like, "what the fuck am I watching," which leads to the best of all of Freddy's one-liners, "welcome to primetime, bitch," and then this happens.


Led by Nancy, around here the group starts more or less getting superhero powers in their dreams. Arquette, for example, can pull people into her dreams and do gymnastics (which is next to worthless). The others include the black dude who is like a pudgy strongman, the wheel chair wizard kid shoots the infamous 80s blue lightning and dies, and the punk, drug addict chick who is “beautiful and bad” who looks fucking awesome with a ginormous mohawk.

Look at what we missed out on?
Other things of note in the movie are this horny idiot Joey who by some miracle makes it to the end to the movie. Freddy pulls ye olde pose a hot, big breasted blonde way out of the dude's league. Here he starts hooking up with this nurse that matches the above, gets literally "tongue tied", and held captive for most the rest of the movie. You'd think he would have learned something from this experience. No, he does not as we see in NOES 4: The Dream Warriors when the same fucking thing happens only this time the chick is on some beer poster and instead of getting tied to the bed by a rope, tongue obvious Bob Shaye addition, he gets pulled into and drowned in his waterbed. Also, the blonde in this one almost turned into Freddy with boobs which was just too much for everyone.

Lastly, the flick features Freddy's birth story which was a weird addition. Basically his mother returns to this hospital where she worked as a nun/nurse and Fredrick was conceived during a 100+ psychiatric patient gang rape. No one wants to hear that shit. Other than that and some 80s cheese, pretty solid. Would recommend.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Late Night Double Feature is the worst movie of all time

This is definitely one of those movies I will completely forget about in a year or so. Canadian horror anthology. It's not great. I respect the low budget flicks like this for just getting a bunch of amateur actors together and putting shit on screen. I love that shit and love people who do this. Salt of the earth, these people. More than I've ever done. Great for them... But by movie standards, this was only sort of watchable.

The basic gist: while taping Dr. Nasty's Cavalcade of Horror, a late night television program that does little skits between a pair of featured films, made up for this anthology, things on the set descend into what the fuck over the course of early morning. Pissed about Dr. Nasty's (the host) appalling behavior and her prick boyfriend, the director, the nurse sidekick loses her mind and gets all murdery.

Pros: It's pretty good about telling a story that sort of starts and sort of ends. Interesting concept. Nurse nasty is all right. Canadian anthology.

Cons: Shitty acting. Shitty stories. Characters are incredibly milk-toast. Has that soap opera look. Dr. Nasty is so disgusting. Canadian anthology.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Always thought it would be a dope job to be one of these late night horror hosts. The people who made this must agree. Dr. Nasty's: The credit scene is great. Over the top computer graphics. All downhill from here. Dr. and Nurse Nasty. Local horror host. Show looks terrible. The crew agrees. Next week on this show trailer. A clown movie. Night Clown. Meh clown.

First movie: Dinner for Monsters

Chef is hired to cook a dinner for six. Goes to person's house. At the door he has a moment with the maid who is like “it's a shame you are here for dinner,” he is like, “huh.” The rich couple greet him. The guy is joking with him. Says something like, “you might say it would save your life right now if you were to turn around right now and leave!” He also goes on a rant about how animals should not be used for consumption. I totes agree. Is this what I sound like? Well, this is where our rants veer. Yeah, they want him to cook a human. Takes very little convincing. Sort of threaten him. He starts his work. Sort of freaks out. This is how I feel about meat in general. First course is a Greek salad. Ha. Killer mortgage rates commercial. Make him eat some. He flips and starts killing everyone. Only ones left are the main couple. Now in the basement where the “live stock,” humans, are grazing. They are basically zombies. Throws the host dude in. Have a really good kill here. The humans rip the guy apart with their bare hands and eat him. Shite. Now chef dude is serving human at his restaurant. Uh, okay. Keep throwing around “humano carne” as the type of meat. Always thought it was “long-pig.”

Back to this Dr. Nasty shit. He is getting blown by some intern wearing the nurse wig. The real nurse is like, “fucking gross,” and the old man is like, “know your place, bitch.” Then they do a stupid skit and play the next movie.

Second Feature: Slit

Guy who gets paid to cut cutters on their back. There is a slasher/killer guy out there, apparently. Guy getting cut asks the cutter, “you didn't do it, did you?” Claims no. Goes and sees a new chick client. She lives in a real shit hole. Asks him how he gets his job. Demand he says. She is disgusting. Addict maybe. Has all kinds of cutting scars. He cuts her. She tries to jump his bones. He is pissed about this. Starts to leave. She stabs him. Chases him around. She is no athlete. Corners him. Cuts and rips her face off. It is bananas. He runs away but dropped his client list with his address in it.

At home, dude orders a pizza like a total maniac. Calls, says he needs a pizza at such and such address. They ask what he wants on it. He says, “I don't give a shit! I just want it here now!” Seem like about the worst way to order food I've ever seen. If you do this the person making the pizza will probably get pretty creative with the toppings if you know what I mean. Then the pizza guy shows up. Dude is passed out. Leaves a ball jar of change out front to pay. Psycho girl tapes him up. Doesn't wake up until the end. She lectures him with a bunch of nonsense about getting fucked over by guys like him then she murders him by stabbing him in the dick. Now she is moving on to killing his clients, it would appear, as he shows up at the first guy's house.

Back to Dr. Nasty's set. He is being gross, as usual. Nurse is still cuffed from previous skit. He starts whipping her like an insane person making her bleed a shitload. She is like, “you are totally fired.” The manager guy doing her is like, “yeah, he has a really good contract, so...” Nurse quits. Her BF talks her down. Says they are going to fire him. The nerdy guy with glasses who is obviously in love with her is with her icing the whip wounds. Talks about how he loves her butterfly tat. She is like, “um, ok, I'm going to go.” Tells her they are going to start shooting on Monday for this movie they are making. Intern comes in gloating about getting the lead. Nurse goes pretty reasonable but her BF/manager just turns into a complete dick for no reason and fires/breaks up with her. Is insanely cruel about it which is sort of out of nowhere. She grabs a knife to kill him. Sneaks up on him, his back to her. Yep, he already dead. So is the intern with dude's severed wang in her mouth. Turns out everyone is massacred by nerdy guy who is torturing Dr. Nasty. He did it so she could get her own show. He also has a matching butterfly tat. She is fucking stoked about it. Scene. So a shit movie ends.  

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge is the worst movie of all time

What the hell, bro?
The gay one, as it is known. It's not great but was fun and apparently has a cult following among homosexuals, which I dig. Maybe a little less so after I started researching the production. So in the documentary Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy about the Nightmare franchise, pretty much everyone denies that the homoerotic subtext was intentional. Bob fucking Shaye was like, "we had no idea, what the hell, it was just a normal movie," which is typical. So were a bunch of the actors. But the writer, David Chaskin, that guy, he was like, "oh, yeah, it was totally intentional." Why all the secrecy I am not sure but speculate that most of the people involved didn't want to be culpable in more or less type casting actor Mark Patton, the movie's "final girl" who was closeted publicly but privately open meaning that the filmmakers knew his preference and decided to exploit it. The year before the movie came out, Patton stared in a movie overtly about homosexuality called Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean which I am unlikely to see and know next to nothing about. Patton, who comes off as unpleasant in the Never Sleep Again doc, has since blamed the film for ruining his career as an actor. When talking about Chaskin, though, you really feel for the guy: "Nobody ever affected my confidence—the boys that threw rocks at me, nobody—but this man did," and he also claimed that Chaskin told him he played the part "too gay" for his tastes. That's fucked up, main. But feel free to rock out to this infamous dance number from the first act...


But much has already been made of the movie's gayness. That stuff is something I'm on the fence about because of how Patton, the only openly gay person in the film, feels about it. Therefore, I will focus on my big gripe with the movie. Basically that they changed the rules for this movie and it's stupid. What made the original NOES fucking scary was that he existed on another ethereal plain. He wasn't human and didn't need a physical presence to murder you. In this movie, they shitcan that mess. Now, in order to commit murder, as Freddy does, he now has to possess someone and murder through them in the real world. What. The. Fuck.

Oh, cool
This shit has Shaye's stink all over it. Supposedly a lot the trouble from this film was the deadline. New Line had no money and needed to crank the picture out to piggyback on the success of the first one. Yeah, you can fucking tell. With fucking Shaye micromanaging everything and threatening to fire director Jack Sholder over every disagreement, there wasn't a lot of reflection. Plus, Shaye really liked this one liner, "You've got the body; I've got the brains," which led to Freddy exposing some brain. That became the fucking movie. And it's a fucking shit departure. It's all over the place, the acting is just weird, it's not scary, it's only mildly unintentional funny, and it departs from the original so much that it doesn't work as part of the NOES universe as anything goes as that is. This movie is trash.

Pros: The homosexual "subtext" is sort of cool in retrospect. Clu Gulager.

Cons: Shits on that world's rules. Not scary. Clunky. Characters are so flat they barely need names.

Look at the size of that phone on Meryl Streep's face
Notes: Freddy as normal guy is the bus driver. Three of them kids on the bus. Freddy goes rogue. Drives them into the desert. The ground falls away. Freddy is coming to the back of the bus. This is supposedly not Robert Englund. They didn't think he was the star and weren't planning on building the franchise around him, which seems insane. Anyway, dude wakes up fucking screaming and sweaty. He is so goddamn sweaty for the rest of the movie. Fam is downstairs. Sister is like, “he is doing it again.” Her serial is so racist. “Fu-man Chews” with plastic nails as a prize. Then a ring at the door. And there is... Meryl Streep. It's not her but looks exactly like her. Pretty sure this lady, one Kim Myers, can't fart into a paper bag and earn an Oscar nomination for Best Actress.

Off to gym class. Playing baseball. This aggressive jock, New Line loves an aggressive jock, nails one right at Jesse here and knocks him to the ground. Everyone runs to dude like, “fuck, man, are you okay?” This dick jock is fucking still running the bases. Coach is like, “don't be a fucking loser” to Jesse. Eventually he is up and playing again. Then after the next hit, dude gets the jock kid out and he de-pants Jesse and then fights him for no reason. Coach comes over. “Assume the position!” They do pushups forever which happens multiple times throughout the movie. Coach apparently is into S&M and young boys. Also, the house is the connection to the first movie. Was where Nancy lives. Is lame.

The stupid fucking line comes that night in his dreams. “You've got the body; I've got the brain,” basically the first thing Freddy says to Jesse. Shaye's infamous line that they built the movie around. He rips off his head's skin to reveal his brain like in the above gif. It's lame as well. One of those, oh, cool, I guess, moments. This is where we start getting this, “I need to become you,” shit. Jesse lets out this scream that is fucking incredibly girly. Jesse and Freddy's dynamic is sort of like that of the rapist and the prison bitch. They have some weird shit going on.

This happens
Next day in class he is passes out. Looks like shit, per use. Thought we'd get the NOES obligatory Freddy in school scene but it doesn't happen in this one. Wakes up when a snake comes out of its cage and wraps around his neck. Goes home. Going to meet his Meryl but his dad wants him to unpack his room. This all happens so that he has an excuse to go upstairs and gay out. It is fucking absurd. Meryl shows up which is something I haven't thought about for a while. That people used to call on a land line. Say “I'm coming over.” Then if you didn't show up within a reasonable time, then that person would show up and be like, “hey, what the fuck?” Anyway, they find Nancy's diary. She is the chick from the original NOES. They act like this was 20 years ago. This movie came out just a year later.

That night he goes to the basement. Sees Freddy. Finds the glove. Freddy wants him to try it on. Starting to become more Freddy like. Next day we have more locker room shit. At this HS they basically have gym and snake class, apparently. Now Jesse and the jock are homies. Talk shit about coach Snyder's “stick up his ass,” and he is standing right there. More assuming the position. Goes home. Bird goes insane and spontaneously combusts, randomly. It's weird. Don't dwell on it. Dad claims he rigged the bird.

That night, the enfamous 80's blue lightning comes in and destroys the dishes. He goes to an S&M bar. Fucking Bob Shaye is the goddamn bartender. In leather. Looks like an asshole. Coach is there. Of course. Makes Jesse go to the HS and run laps. Pretty sure this is not ok. While Jesse showers, coach, still in leather, is in the equipment room. The equipment like attacks him. He doesn't look phased despite obvious supernatural shit going down. Still chewing his gum and looking stupid. Jump ropes drag him to the shower. Clothes are ripped off. Towel whips his ass for a while then sliced up with the Freddy glove. He is wearing said glove now. Screams again. Most ridiculous fucking thing I've ever seen.

So Snider is dead. I assume physical evidence is everywhere but no one suspects Jesse. Police pick him up on the street, naked. Dad is like, “what are you on... and where can I get some?” This dad is easily my favorite character. He is such an over the top moron. Appliance catches fire in the kitchen; he is like, “huh, it's not even plugged in,” well what do you know? It took me the whole movie to realize he is Burt from The Return of the Living Dead actor Clu Gulager. Actually, I like the hotdog chef at the pool party better. It's best to just that scene.

Meryl is having a pool rager at her house. Jesse and her start to mess around. His tongue comes out all weird and gross. He leaves, goes to the meathead dude's house. She is crying. Not making his case for a hetero male. Jock even mentions this. Says Freddy wants inside him. Wants dude to watch him sleep. He goes to sleep immediately. They both wake up. Freddy like busts out of him slowly and painfully out of his stomach. Freddy sort of looks like Snoop. His dad is Ferris Bueler's dad, I think. He dead. Jesse's really amassing a mountain of evidence against himself. Shows back up at the party with blood all over him. Tells Meryl about the killing he's been doing. Some serious overacting going on from Jesse at this point.

Jesse turns into Freddy and starts massacring everyone. He goes on a fucking rampage. Bites a chunk out of Meryl's leg. Oh, the Freddy knives are coming out of his hands, I notice. He doesn't have a glove. Meryl half asses an attempt at self-defense. He starts killing the kids in the pool area. Some idiot tries to reason with Freddy. He kills him. Then Freddy just leaves. Goes to this boiler room place. Has these stupid dogs with human baby faces. Other weird animals keep popping up and eating each other. It's weird. Now Meryl and Freddy have their showdown which is basically the end of the movie. She basically makes out with Freddy. This lowers his control over Jesse for some reason. Then he catches fire, incases him in a stone Freddy, and he turns back into Jesse, sort of like in Ghost Busters. It sucks. Unless you have a high threshold for shit, which I am blessed with, don't watch it.  

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Dark Shadows is the greatest movie of all time

Saw Dark Shadows years ago at the Starlite Drive-In right har in Bloomington when my female companion was out of town. I liked it and, more importantly, Aberline, back when she was an only pupster, fucking loved it. I think she liked how quick paced it was and the killer soundtrack. We had a good time that night, me and her.

Anyway, now, since Rachel is so into vampire comedy horror, What We Do In the Shadows might be her all time favorite movie, we have another movie she has agreed to watch with me. Also, she has a much lower threshold for shit than I do so anything I get her to watch will have to be pretty decent. Otherwise that shit gets turnt off.

The movie is about this vampire named Barnabas Collins that is buried alive in the 1770s, escapes in the 1970s, goes back to back to his old castle home that is still standing and owned by his dysfunctional family. The rest of the movie is basically his interactions with them, the vampire lady that indirectly imprisoned him (they vampire hate fuck), and his wooing of this girl who looks like his long lost love and is like 18. Despite what the critics say, I thought it solid.


Pros: Solidly funny. Christopher Lee is in it. Alice Cooper. Music in general. Love it when a dude from the past thrust into contemporary times.

Cons: This is around where we collective grew tired of Johnny Depp's shit. Here he is at his most Johnny Deppish. The movie is all over the place.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Looks like every other Tim Burton movie I've ever seen. Danny Elfman music, too. And there is Johnny Depp. In the 1760s. He looks through some book on demonology. Gets to a bit about Mephistopheles. The M is the same as the McDonald's arches. Later there is a lame sort of joke when he is in the future about McDonald's and Mephistopheles where he is like, “what the fuck.” So he has this love of his life type chick, Josette, and then this side piece, Angelique Bouchard, who is a fucking vampire witch. When he falls in love with this Josette, Angelique makes his life real shit which culminates in enchanting Josette into committing suicide by jumping off a cliff. Overcome with grief, Depp jumps off, too. Face plant. Can't die because he is now a fucking vampire. The towns folk don't like that shit so they bury him. Again, can't die, which is eventually really going to suck. Cursed him good. That's some harsh shit when you think about it.

You're freaking out, man
Skip to 1972. Meet this Victoria chick. Spitting image of Josette because, you know, she is the same fucking actress. We later see that she can talk to ghosts which made her parents think she is crazy. She is picked up by a van of hippies as she hitchhikes to her new job as a nanny at ole Banabas's (Depp) place. This is how every fucking horror movie stars. With hippies on a bus. I've been on that bus, man, it's not one you want to be on, even if no one dies. Eventually, Barnabas catches up with these folks and massacres them all. It's insane. This happens as he is trying to figure out how to be normal so he can get with Josette. If you want to seem normal, maybe slaughtering the shit out of a bunch of stoners is not the way to go. Or maybe it is. When he sees them, they are starting in with their hippy shit. Gilly from Game of Thrones is among them. They are maybe on acid and doing a jay. The one that looks like one of Rachel's exes is saying that the war in Vietnam is actually good because it is so bad that it'll be the last one. Yeah, no. I'd kill them too. But it's still not very cool of him. A total bummer, man.

Jinkies! I can't see without my glasses
Depp's got a weird vibe in this one. Looks like a weird child or pedophile or something. I think it's his caesar do and his lack of color. There are some interesting people in this movie. Helena Bonham Carter (every damn Tim Burton film), Jackie Earle Haley (Bad News Bears, Rorschach in Watchmen, Freddy in the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot), Christopher Lee, and Chloë Grace Moretz (the little girl in Kick-Ass) who ends up being a werewoof, Michelle Pfeiffer (who has aged very well), and then Depp's love interests whom I only sort of recognize (Eva Green and Bella Heathcote). Bonham Carter's character looks sort of like Velma from Scooby-Doo. Some of the other characters strangely look like other characters from the show as well. This is weird. I assume this must be intentional since they turn on an electric teevee machine and that show is on.

Low hanging fruit: Cooper as an ugly woman jokes
Anywho, two favorite scenes before everything goes down at the end include this weird (and PG) vampire-on-vampire sex scene between Depp and the chick who turnt him. They basically hate fuck with super powers. They get it on while flying around and cling to the ceiling and stuff. It's pretty cool and not something I think I've ever seen before. It's not hot though so no need to shield the youths. This chick, by the way, needs to fucking let it go. She again goes all ragey again when Depp loses interest.

The other scene comes as Depp is still trying to impress Victoria with how normal he is by holding a ball in order to get to know the people in their Maine town. The chick from Kick-Ass, Pfeiffer's daughter, who is like way over sexualized with Depp talking about how she needs to hurry up and get married before her uterus dries up—no one wants to hear that—suggests booking Alice Cooper who I am sure wasn't busy playing at giant arenas at the time or anything. The get “her” and Depp says Cooper is the ugliest chick he has ever seen which is LAME. But Cooper proceeds to rock out to like three songs. It's dope. Easily Abby's favorite part.

Dog approved

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Nightmare on Elm Street is the greatest movie of all time

Whatever you think you remember about Nightmare on Elm Street--Freddy Kruger saying stupid shit before kills, shape-shifting, shitty acting, gratuitous nudity--was almost almost certainly from one of the sequels. The original Nightmare is scary as fuck. I'd say there are moments in a few of the others before Freddy becomes straight camp and sold the fucking Freddy dolls and shit that will get you, but none of the others, with the except of New Nightmare, are terrifying from start to finish like this one. Note that with the good one out of the way, I am going to start delving into the rest of them. I will rank them in the end on best to worst based on my amateur opinion.

Just a baby
One thing everyone knows about this one is that it is Johnny Depp's first movie... Hate to ruin it, but... He is not in this as much as one would have thought. Also, I don't think he is really anything special in it. He is just some young, good looking kid. But so is Nancy. After rewatching this, if it were one person who were going to breakout after this movie, I would have put my money on her. Imagine his breakout role was actually Jump Street, though this gets more of the credit since it was his first.

Overall, solid fucking scare. A fitting start to one of the definitive boogeymen. Wes Craven is at the top of his game. For the franchise, it's all downhill from here.

Best Line of the Movie: Rod: “I had a hard-on this morning when I woke up, Tina... Had your name written all over it." Tina: “There's four letters in my name, Rod. How can there be enough room on your joint for four letters?”


Pros: Starts the franchise off right. Freddy is immediately iconic. Doesn't talk a lot here. John Saxon. Nancy. So fucking scary.

Cons: Nancy's mom. Some dumb looking, unnecessary dream stuff (Bob Shaye specials).

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

That's... Really something 
Notes: This first 20 minutes of the movie are genuinely terrifying. This is long before Freddy the joke. Opens with Tina, the blonde, getting chased around by Freddy, a mystery at this point, through the old boiler room and when she wakes up she got her nighty slashed. Then after her folks leave town, she has Nancy, Johnny Depp, and her meathead boyfriend Rod over. Her and Rod bone. What follows is fucking crazy. As she is being murdered in her dream, Rod sees her as she gets dragged from up the walls and across the ceiling by an invisible, damned thing which ultimately ends up brutally slashing her to death. I was advanced when it came to horror as a child. The first time I watched this, I was maybe five (had a cousin watching me), this scene scared the fucking shit out of me. It was beyond fucked. Now watching it, while scary, is pretty unintentionally hilarious. Freddy's arms grow really long, like 20 feet, and it looks fucking stupid. Tina is running away and Freddy stops her with a “watch this,” and chops off his fingers for no reason, WTF. They are wrestling around and she pulls off his face. It looks dumd. When Tina is flailing and getting twirled about, Rod, in his tighty whities, tries to grab her and she spins around and headbutts him and he goes flying. He is such an idiot and is shirtless most of the rest of the movie (he gets caught wearing a leather jacket with no shirt on underneath).

Everyone always blames Rod, of course, except Nancy. Rod gets away and fucking kidnaps Nancy. So Rod was the only one in there when she was killed with the door locked from the inside, his explanation that he delivers in such an aggressive way--”don't look at me like I'm some fucking fruitcake or something,” and then when he is in jail “how was there someone in there without you knowing?” “How the fuck do I know”--is insane, but Nancy is like, “yeah, I believe you.” The fuck?

Now Nancy starts seeing Freddy and shit in her dreams including two cool ones, one in class, the first of a million in school dreams that show up in every fucking NOES movie forevermore, and the one where Nancy is falling asleep in the bath and the glove pops up from the bath water. Also get the horrible Bob Shaye addition of Nancy trying to walk up the stairs and the stares turning into goo. In this dope documentary about the film series, Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy, both the actress that played Nancy and director Wes Craven were both like, yeah, that part was stupid and gross. Meanwhile, Shaye is like, “that was a dream I had once that I thought should be in the movie. I thought it was cool.” Well, it's not. They also said the same thing about the phone Nancy was talking on turning into a tongue. Anyway, eventually sees him go and kill Rod which looks like a suicide. Drunk mom acts like Nancy is crazy and needs help. BTW, her dad, John Saxon, is the fucking man. He has almost 200 IMDB credits which include a lot of real gems. Not only was he is some really solid horror (three NOES movies including New Nightmare, easily the best, Black Christmas, and From Dusk Till Dawn) he was also in MST3K's best all time roast, Mitchell, and was a total badass in Enter the Dragon. He is fucking great.

They send her to a sleep doctor and act like everything is cool and a guy is not killing teens in their sleep. At some point we get the story from the mom of how the parents burned Freddy, a child molester/murderer, to death after he got off on a technicality. Some dark shit. The last thing of note before getting into the ending here is Depp's death which is ridiculous. He gets sucked into his bed, I feel like this happens in every movie too, and blood pours out of the hole like it was being shot from a fire hose.

So I won't get into how they off Freddy in case someone hasn't seen it, but the end end is something that needs attention. Another Shaye demand, you can basically tell what his ideas are in these movies because they are shitty, that fucking sucks. Nancy's mom is alive, they are out front of her house. All of her dead friends show up in a 57 Chevy that is fucking Freddy. The car takes over. It rolls away. Nancy knows what's up. She is going crazy. Her mom stands there waving like an idiot. Freddy's glove busts through the window of the front door and pulls an obvious dummy in through the hole made to look like the mom. It looks like complete shit. That is the way they end the movie. On a Bob Shaye special. Leave it alone, man. Should have just let Wes do his thing.  

Whose idea was this?

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Return of the Living Dead is the greatest movie of all time


Return of the Living Dead, another god tier movie from my youth, is indeed fucking awesome. The movie features two medical supply warehouse employees who unintentionally release a toxic military gas into the atmosphere that brings the dead to life and eventually turns them into zombies. These two, the owner of the warehouse, the mortician across the way, and the punks chilling in the nearby graveyard all must deal with the living dead who fight the pain of death by eating human brains.

I love me some comedy horror. It is easily my favorite genre when done right. Army of Darkness, Evil Dead II, and Night of the Creeps were all up there for me as a child but this was my first and what made me love it. 

The punks, clothed, in happier times
A horror podcast I recently discovered called The Horror Show (which is fucking fantastic) also just did an episode on this movie in the last week (much of our notes were the same making me think, “ah, I can do this”) and detailed some of the history of the movie which is interesting and was previously unknown to me. It all started when George A. Romero and John Russo parted ways after the 1968 classic Night of the Living Dead, the film which started it all. A decade after the movie, Russo wrote a novel called Return of the Living Dead (ROTLD) after the pair agreed that Romero would retain the first part of the title that he could build sequels around, which was weird but worked out for everyone in the end, while Russo kept the rights to any titles featuring “Living Dead.”

Also adding to the weirdness, Tobe Hooper, of Texas Chainsaw Massacre fame, was supposed to direct, which would not have been good, but he backed out to make this space vampire movie called Lifeforce (which sounds like it is worth a viddy). The screenwriter for ROTLD, who also strangely wrote Lifeforce, was then promoted to director. He then veered significantly from the previous film, making it way more comical with lots of really dark humor and punk rockers. Believe it or not, it was definitely for the better. 

Pros: Funny as shit. Some really touching moments. People have common fucking sense. A couple good scares. Gave us zombies eating brains. Punk as fuck. Killer soundtrack. The scene after they burn the corpse and the gas gets into the cemetery is so fucking good. 

A cinematic first

Cons: This movie is fucking flawless. 

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Opens with a disclaimer saying that all the events and names in the movie are real and that they really happened, which is ridiculous. First scene is at a medical supply company in Louisville, Kentucky. Here we meet three of the main characters, the warehouse owner, Burt, and his two employees, Frank and Freddy. It's Freddy's first day on the job. Burt leaves, ready for the Fourth of July weekend, leaving the other two there to explore. Freddy is impressed by all the weird shit they have there--split dogs, skeletons, cadavers, so forth--and wants to know the weirdest shit they have. Well, Frank does not disappoint. Asks if Freddy had seen Night of the Living Dead. Yop. Frank tells him it was actually real and that they have a military drum from the failed experiment that was sent to them by mistake. I love that they mention that shit here and also use the Z word instead of acting like they have no idea what is going on when shit hits the fan. So they go check it out. Freddy is like, "shouldn't we be careful." Frank is like, "nah, it'll be fine, this was made by the army corp of engineers," and it immediately leaks a yellow gas, knocking them unconscious and bringing all the dead things to life. 

This is that first scene which is so fucking great. It give me chills. The music is fucking great too. Like the second they play it (when they burn the cadaver and the smoke rolls over the graveyard) even better.


Typed in both of their names and this came up. I have no
idea which one is which or if it's the same person.
(Sidenote: Freddy I thought for sure was the guy in American Ninja but he is not. They look so much like the same goddamn person that it is insane.)

They wake up and Frank basically screams like an idiot for the rest of the time he is alive. There we see the split dogs are reanimated, as are the butterflies pinned to the wall and the cadaver in the freezer. That last one is pissed. So instead of calling the military number on the barrel, we see the guy manning that line who is a real peach, they call up Burt. Burt gets there and is like, "what the fuck, you ruined my business." He decides they have to deal with this themselves and they are going to kill the cadaver like in the movie, by piercing the brain. So Frank grabs a pickax, Freddy unlocks the walk-in, and Burt hangs back giving direction. As soon as the lock comes off, yellow zombie bursts through the door and goes right at Burt. They pull him off, Frank is screaming and Burt is yelling at him to be a man. He then hits the yellow bastard in the head with the pickax which does nothing. They are freaking out. End up sawing the head off. The body is then up and running around. It's insane and pretty hilarious.


While all that is going on, Freddy's punk friends show up and break into the locked graveyard next door. They basically are just there fucking shit up and partying. The group, consisting of Casey, Chuck Scuz, Spider, Suicide, and Trash, along with Freddy's GF, Tina, wait to take him home. Very unpunk thing to do. Getting a job. While they wait out, Trash, the short, orange haired one, asks Spider if he ever fantasizes about dying in the worst way possible. He is like, "no, of course not," and she talks about getting ripped apart by old men, which later happens, and tears all of her clothes off. The nudity is so gratuitous here. The punks are like, "hey, everybody, she's doing it again," and she is naked for the rest of the movie.

Back to the trio in the warehouse, after subduing the thing and chopping it up still wriggling around, they decide to take the thing in pieces to the mortuary across the way and have Ernie cremate it, saying they are rabid weasels. He is like, "um, no, rabid or no, I am not burning animals alive." Now they have to show him. Pull out an arm and it grabs him by the leg. He's sure as shit on board now and they burn the severed parts. That's when the contaminated gas spews out of the mortuary and acid rain starts brining it back to earth, covering the dead, reanimating them in the process.

And that's when the movie really starts. Just fucking watch it. It is so fucking amazing. If you haven’t seen this, you must immediately buy and watch it.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Runaway is the greatest movie of all time

Runaway, set in the unknown future, follows Tom Selleck's mustachioed police office character who is some sort of authority on robots that kill and those who program them to do their bidding. The movie is absurd and amazing. There is so much to love. Selleck. Michael Crichton wrote and directed. Gene Simmons as the surprisingly cool antagonist. Kirstie Alley. And then there are the fucking robots.

This was a favorite from childhood. I remember this being god tier. While amazing, there were some things. But it did have acid filled, occasionally exploding, robot spiders. So there is that... But overall, I still fucking loved it.


Pros: Selleck's mustache. Simmons (believe it or not). Crichton. Have I mentioned the robot spiders?

Cons: Feels very low budget but can't be. Three or four 15 minute scenes of boring ramblings. I can't see my younger self being too into that. It also had way less action than I remembered.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

The 80s loved themselves some robot butlers
Notes: This was Crichton's 1984 idea of what about now would be like. Fucking nailed it. This is in the 1980s so there is a lot just-make-up-all-the-tech. They throw a bunch of fancy tech nonsense around and then use giant cell phones. Most of the robots look like the Never-Ending Pie-Throwing Robot (Neptr) from adventure time.

There are like five scenes that just drag on forever in this movie. The scene towards the beginning that is basically a 20 minutes standoff with a robot (which I will detail a bit), the scene where Simmons like negotiates with this guy (who he just ends up killing) for these “templates” for these heat seeking bullets that ultimately pays off with the first showing of a spider, the scene where Selleck and his lady partner go to his house and meet his fucking annoying kid, the scene where Selleck removes an exploding bullet from his partner's arm (one would assume that Selleck has medical training too or something), and the scene where the police are searching this bathroom for Simmons (they spend 15 fucking minutes in the bathroom and then don't find him).

So the aforementioned scene at the beginning with the robot standoff is the most ridiculous thing I've ever fucking seen. A family lives at this house. Mom, dad, baby. The robot has killed the mom. The dad is out of the house and leaves when they start to ask questions (Simmons wants him dead and he freaks out and just bounces) and the fucking baby is still in the house with the robot who is in a murderous rage. Eventually, after like 10 minutes of procedural masturbation, Selleck goes in. The news is there. Selleck is like tiptoeing in all quiet. Then, all of the sudden, this camera guy fucking follows him in. He just walks in like an idiot. Selleck silently is like “what the fuck are you doing?” The guy silently is like, “go fuck yourself,” and this robot that has a gun and is set to murder immediately fucking shoots him in the face. Here we see Simmons for the first time. He looks like Telly Savalas with hair.

Kojack, the early years

At the station, we see that in this future you can smoke inside. During this scene Selleck logs onto his computer and his entire file pops up. There on his computer we see that character is 35. He looks so fucking old. He's always been a grizzled old man. There we also get introduced to a young, bitchy, pre-nose job Kirstie Alley. Blame it on Scientology. She eventually gets held hostage by a rogue robot that shoots blue lightning. Lots of blue lightning and red lasers in this movie. Ah, to be a red laser or blue lightning salesman in the 1980s. You'd still be made. Anyway, Selleck beats that robot to death with a chair which is a little weird.

In the future, they are also lax about interdepartmental romance
While transporting Alley, who was Simmons's girl who he now wants dead, we see another Simmons gadget. These are like these little wheeled honing missiles they call “lock-ons” and are not to be confused with “hop-ons” (Arrested fans?). They look fucking stupid. Eventually though he catches up to them and kidnaps Selleck's partner. What he does is so poorly thought out. He swaps Alley for this chick at a restaurant and immediately kills Alley which was insane. Now he has to jump two stories from the eatery into a fountain that is at most nine inches deep and hide out in the woods to make his escape. All of this is for these dumb fucking templates.

Getting toward the end here. Simmons, ever the kidnapper, nabs Selleck's kid. Goes to this tall building that is being constructed. There are spiders everywhere. At around this point I sort of realized that the movie is basically a less complex Vertigo with robot spiders. There is a bunch of stuff about Selleck being afraid of heights which he has to overcome to save the day in the end. That and doing a fucking pull up. So this movie, which I loved, can basically be skipped if you watch this one scene. If you watch this, then you get the gist.