Friday, May 19, 2017

Twin Peaks is the greatest show of all time

Been watching a lot of teevee shows on the electric internet machines lately so haven't been as good about the near nightly movies. But TV is a nice way to pass the time as well.

Prepping for the upcoming season of Twin Peaks on Showtime, I’ve been revisiting the show and prequel. Twin Peaks, universally considered god tier, for at least the first season, has been the female companion and I's recent haunt in preparation for the new season. I don't think she likes David Lynch though she does say Lynchian every once in a while. She is sort of into the first season but I fear she lacks the patience to survive the second season. We'll see how that goes before I introduce her to Fire Walk With Me or the upcoming season. 

Myself, I guess I am a Lynch fan, this show being my introduction into his world as a child. By this I mean I watched one or two episode when it originally ran with my grandmother. I was eightish and was in no way sheltered from any form of entertainment, I watched Deliverance with her around that time as well, and I dug what I saw. But as a little athlete with games that went way too late back then, I was usually way for the original airings. She would tape then for me but eventually she missed one and I didn't catch up for a decade and then only the first season. When I bought the DVDs to the first season in 2001, I thought for sure it wouldn't be long before they would release the second season. Right? Yeah, the second season didn't come out on DVD until 2007. How do you make the second season even more of letdown? Wait six years for it. Second season, while fine, wasn't the magical first season and I lost patience with at some point. But oh that first season. Much like Lost, that first season was the bees knees. 

Random thoughts as they come to me on Season 1: Meet most of the 40 something characters that inhabit this world in the double-length pilot. They are all up in arms about the murder of world’s most popular high school senior, Laura Palmer. Starts out like a normal show. Dead girl. Cops show up. Procedural. Inform her parents. So far so good. Then like 40 minutes in the FBI gets called in and things get weird. Something I believe is true but am not sure on is the status of the “twin peaks” that the town is named for as they are never shown. 

Of all the characters, Bobby Briggs, Laura’s dude at the time of her death, is easily my favorite. This dude is a maniac. While in jail for a bar fight, his rival who was seeing Laura secretly, one James Hurley, gets brought in for some shit as well. Bobby and his buddy just sit there and bark at him like fucking wilderpeople. It is alpha as fuck and totally not something a sane person would do. It sort of feels like his thing too as his buddy joins in like they do this sort of thing all the time. 

Most of these people are terrible
Other characters I really enjoy include Dr. Jacoby, Laura’s shrink, Ben and Jerry Horne, Shelly Johnson, and Hank Jennings. Those are my top six. All except Shelly are outrageously eccentric. Jacoby is a total quack who wears prescription 3D glass, salmon ties (like a tie that has one long fish printed on it), and pulls golf balls out of his mouth when he is board; the Horne’s appear as normalish business men but have insatiable appetites that they in no way can control when they get together, and Hank is a recent parolee who sucks on a domino piece and beats the shit out of the most repulsive character on the show, Leo Johnson, Shelly’s husband, for not kicking drug money his way while he was in prison. They were partners you see. Shelly is just the most interesting chick on the show. 

Audrey, being weird
Now for those I hate. What strikes me is how many characters I can’t stand… And still like the show. I once ranted about Kate Austen in Lost and I still liked that show, but it is rare I dislike main characters like this and still find a way to be into the show.  Characters I loathe: Audrey Horne who Ms. Slutty McSlutterson, Donna Heyward (Laura’s BFF played by Lara Flynn Boyle), Big Ed and Nadine Hurley who are just fucking terrible, and James. Audrey, Ben’s daughter, has this whole thing with FBI Agent Dale Cooper who is sort of the main character played by Lynch regular Kyle MacLachlan. The first time we see her she sort of gets stoked when she hears about Laura’s death in homeroom, she works her way up to hooker from perfume girl in her old man’s business organization, and fucks up a deal pops had going by telling the investors about Laura’s murder. She does this just to be a bitch. Donna is just irritating. Big Ed is a fucking dipshit. Nadine, who wears an eyepatch and is completely unhinged in a noninteresting way, is hard to fucking watch. And James is the fucking worst. He is supposed to be a heart throb or something but just comes off as milk toast. He is like Ross on Friends in high school with a leather jacket. He is also a piece of shit. Example, towards the end of the season Donna, James, and Laura’s identical cousin mind fuck the shit out of Dr. Jacoby. They dress the cousin up as the dead girl and call the eccentric doctor, show him a video of her as Laura, so forth, all to make him think she is still alive to get him out of his office. A fucked up thing to do to someone. 

Some other random stuff stood out this go around. One thing was when Ben tells Jerry about Laura's death. Laura was their lawyer’s daughter. They obviously are all friends. Jerry is all like, “I’m depressed.” So now Ben suggests they go to One-Eyed Jack’s which I believe Ben owns. It comes out later that Laura was a sex worker there and that Ben basically does all the new girls adding another layer of fucked to the whole situation. Another thing, Deputy Andy would be so fucking fired. This bumbling idiot goes on a kicking-down-the-door type of operation and when they are just about to burst in, he drops his gun and it discharges. One of Twin Peaks’ finest, that one. Also, the same 20 people are at every fucking event in this goddamned town. Laura’s funeral, yeah, of course The Log Lady would be there. Ben Horne courting the Swedes for some dubious business deal? Sure, get Major Briggs up here. So forth. 

Something else I fucking can’t get over is how Laura managed the shit out of her time her last night. A quick timeline of her last day included going to school, writing a diary entry where she said she was going to die (what a drama queen), tutored Josie Packard in English and commented that she understood how she felt about her husband's death which no, ate dinner with her parents and complained about her mother’s asparagus, went to Bobby’s and did cocaine, went back home and did more cocaine, went out with James-meeting him on foot, went on a motorcycle ride with James which ended with her hopping off and running into the woods, met Jacques, Leo, and Ronette at a cabin where the trio partied like insane people, she also slipped in sex with three different dudes in that time, and then she was murdered. That’s one hell of a productive day. 

Finally, for all of Cooper’s irritating shit, there are two things that I live by that he gave. One was the phrase “when two separate events occur simultaneously pertaining to the same object of inquiry we must always pay strict attention.” I don’t believe in anything, not really, but I do listen when the universe is trying to tell me shit. The other thing is treat yo self. Give yourself a treat every day. A little gift to savor on the daily. Been doing this for the last decade and it’s worked out pretty, pretty, pretty good. In that moment I stop time and pay strict attention to what I am doing and fucking enjoy it. It is indeed pleasant.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Dressed to Kill is the greatest movie of all time

Before rewatching Dressed to Kill for the first time since high school, I would have told you it was god tier. Now... I'm gonna have to bump it down a peg or two to just okay. The first 40 minutes of the movie has moments that are crazy good, ending with what comes off like a really long joke while the last half is a lot more talking out the plot instead of storytelling. It also ends with extra cheese. Also, it's one of the many horror movies that portray trans people as psychopaths which, you know, is a pretty fucking insensitive motif. It was a deferent time, yeah, but it's fucked up that every movie (with the exception of documentaries) I've seen dealing with trans issues made before The Crying Game featured a transgender person that was a murderous cartoon. This was supposed to be shocking in the 1980s just because it was different. While it's not quite Ace Ventura bad, The Danish Girl it aint.

Gist of the flick is a rich strumpet played by Angie Dickinson is murdered by a strange blonde with a straight razor in an elevator. From there, a high-end call girl who witnessed the attack and Dickinson's teenage son investigate the killing, ultimately leading them to her psychiatrist played by Michael Caine whom they believe knows the identity of the giant blonde... Spoiler. It's Michael Caine.

Fun fact: The prostitute, Nancy Allen, was Quentin Tarantino's inspiration for the character Alabama in True Romance another flick I love.

Pros: Casting is noice. Nancy Allen is a very, very pretty lady. The museum sequence is ah-mazing. Beautifully filmed.

Cons: Like three endings that grow progressively weaker. Pretty fucked up depiction of transgendered people.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending. In this one I give away the three endings.

Notes: Famously opens with Nancy Dickinson naked, in the shower, masturbating. Has to be a body double. Her face looks so old yet her body is that of a fit 21-year-old. She gets murdered in there but it's all a dream. One of several dream outs. Cut to her having sex missionary style with he husband. She is writhing about like a crazy person but later tells her shrink, played by Michael Caine, that the husband gave her “one of his wham-bam specials.” Looked like she liked it to me but what do I know about pleasing a woman.

Anyway, we eventually get to the art museum scene which goes on forever but is probably the most memorable bit in the film. She starts by sitting there looking at various paintings and taking notes in a book. You think she is writing down thoughts on the art and such but she is really just making out her shopping list adding stuff like “pick up turkey.” I guess what she does at an art museum is her business. She looks at a couple like, “oh, I wish I had that.” So much Hitchcock up to this point. Had Psycho in the shower and this has Vertigo written all over it. Brian DePalma was sort of the Hitchcock of the 1980s but fell way off in the 1990s. Then it was David Lynch followed by Shyamalan in the 2000s. Now I guess filmmaking has advanced. She gets all hot for this guy that sits next to her. Takes off her glove to show off her wedding ring for some reason. He gets up. She does as well. Drops the glove when she follows him. They play this game where they follow each other around for a long time. He picks up her glove and puts it on and then touches her with it. She freaks out and goes to look for her glove which is weird. She remembers he had it on. Now she's looking for him again. Chases him about. This is all happening in real time. Doesn't find him and makes a gesture like really what the hell am I supposed to do with one glove. And there he is with it in a cab. She goes to the cab and fucking drops the other one. Keep track of your shit. Once she gets there, they immediately start to get it on in the cab. The driver is stoked. Then they get it on at dudes. Post coitus she does some weird shit like calls her house and hangs up and writes him a letter saying that she loved their afternoon together but she keeps messing it up and runs out of stationary. Rifles through his desk and sees a letter saying that he has contracted a venereal disease. Wantwah.

She hops in the elevator to leave. We see this tall blonde that has been watching her as she has gone about town. She gets to the bottom level to leave after getting judged by some child. Remembers she left her wedding ring in that asshole's room. Goes back up. The blonde is waiting with a straight razor. Kilt. Door pops open. There is Nancy Allen looking fine. The scene blows her fucking mind. Blonde drops the razor. Allen, playing a prostitute, picks it up. She is standing there freaked out. A housekeeper sees her and thinks she did it and runs away screaming. Allen is fucking breathtaking. You may remember her as the bitch in Carrie or the partner in RoboCop. This performance simultaneously earned nominations for both a Golden Globe for Best New Star and a infamous Razzie.

Off to the police station. Dennis Franz is the lead detective. He basically mansplains his way through the movie and blames the victim the whole time. Basically the same character that he played in NYPD Blue except he does not show his ass.

Learn the blonde is a trans patient of My Cocaine. She keeps calling the doctor and talking about killing the girl.

Start learning about Allen. She's like trading stocks on the open market in her free time. She goes and sees a john. He pretty much ejaculator when he sees her. Gets followed by the blonde. Ends up in a cab now. Driver tried to help her out. She ends up in the subway. While hiding out from the murderer five black dudes threatened to rape and murder her for just standing around. Pretty vulgar too. See a cop on the subway who was just sort of a dick to her. As soon as the cop gets off, the five dudes show back up and are violent and crazy. She is running through cars. Between a pair the killer blonde shows up and scares them off. Angie Dickinson's kid shows up out of nowhere and saves her with the homemade mace. They develop an endearing relationship which is sweet. Trying to find the killer and what not. They know the tranny is seeing the doctor and figure they have to get his patient ledger. She goes and sees the doctor as a patient. She basically just throws herself at him. Gets more or less naked and talks dirty to them. All I can say is wow.

Outside, watching out for Allen who is about to get killed by the blonde, the kid also gets attacked by the blonde, wait, what, but this iteration ends up being a police person. Meanwhile, Michael Caine is revealed to be the blonde and he goes after the girl but the cop shoots her. Movie should have fucking ended here. With Caine writhing around on the ground. Doesn't.

Second ending is a lot of talking and explaining what just happened which was all pretty obvious. It was so fucking weird. We just saw the movie, man, this doesn't need to be here. And it happens again! This time Allen and the kid just rehash what we've seen and what we just got explained to us at a restaurant. It's so grossly unnecessary. I don't know what is happening here. I think it's in here just so these old ladies next to them can look at them like they're fucking psychopaths.

Thought that was the end. Again, it was not. Now we go to the hospital where Caine kills a sexy nurse. There are like 500 asylum patients watching from above, going apeshit. Allen is spending the night with the kid. It's platonic maybe but she's is all sexy showering like Angie Dickinson at the beginning of the movie. She's getting out of the shower and she sees the nurse's shoe. He's just waiting out there. She's looking around for a weapon. He is totally not concealing himself. She grabs a straight razor from the medicine cabinet. He slipped the shoes off and snuck up behind her. Slits her throat. But no. It was all a dream! She wakes up and freaks out on the kid. Looks like they slept in separate rooms so I guess it was platonic. Lame. Still pretty good by my usual standards but nowhere near god tier. 

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child is the worst movie of all time

Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child is unwatchable trash. I really fucking hated this movie. I'd put it in the top ten worst movies I've ever seen. Probably top five. This made me sort of angry I hated it so much. Weird sensation, being angry with a movie, but it happens, I've learned. A lot of times bad movies have charm and it makes them sort of enjoyable. This is not one of those movies. Something I like to do after watching a movie is to guess the Rotten Tomato score. I was sure that this movie was 0%. How it earned a for the genre middle of the road 33% I have no fucking clue.

General plot, which fucking sucks, is survivor girl Alice, the first to make it through her second go round of Nightmare movies, gets knocked up by Dan, the jock from Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, and Freddy uses the opportunity to like, I don't know, possess and torment her disgusting unborn child whilst dreaming in the womb with the thinking that he can be literally born again or something. It's fucking out there. This is the one where Freddy becomes a true caricature of himself. Also the one where he says “bitch” all the time. In NOES 4 the one-liners really got out of hand. It was like, “hey, remember when I said that shit before I killed that chick in 3 (NOES 3: The Dream Warriors)? 'Welcome to prime time, bitch.' You liked that shit, huh? I'm going to do that for every kill from now on.” Since all of those sucked, in 5 they decide the magic from the line in three all hinged on the word “bitch,” so now every one-liner before the kill has “bitch” in it.

Pros: Pretty ladies.

Cons: Everything.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Opens with Alice, chick from NOES 4, making out with some guy, later find out it's Dan, also from 4, and then go to the shower to wash off the sex. Whilst in there, sewage starts bubbling up from the drain. It's disgusting. Eventually fills up the shower. Yick. Alice still works at the diner, we find out later, and judging by her apartment makes $200,000 a year. She is spontaneously dreaming now. Sees Freddy's literal origin which was discussed in 3. If you recall, his biological mother, a nun, was raped by 100 mental patients in an insane asylum. One is fucking Robert Englund. Then we see the birth of Freddy. The doctor is like, “my god!” The head nurse tells her to take solace it being one of God's children so you know it's ugly. And it is like a baby burned up Freddy. It looks fucking dumb. If this is the beginning, I can't wait for the rest of the movie. I don't know if I can at this point.

Looking good
At least the girls are more attractive in this one. Basically it's 90s hot instead of 80s hot. Even Alice looks decent. Cover model chick is genuinely good looking. Alice's drunk dad is MIA. No fucking shocker there. But he shows up. Sober now. “Don't want to embarrass you by being a drunk,” he says. But he is sober so... And wouldn't it be more embarrassing to have your creepy traipsing about on the edge of the graduation circle? Dan, the idiot she is dating at the end of the last movie is still around and dumber than ever though it is implied he is the valedictorian since he is giving the commencement speech. The first of many I am sure.

Alice has another dream. Freddy has one long arm again in this one. The long arm is more or less constant which I don't understand. Says bitch constantly in this one. This is the first. Says it to his mom. An insane pool party breaks out. Indoors. Artist kid that is not long for this movie talks about some ancient child murder.

Freddy meets Mad Max
On the way back Dan falls asleep at the wheel. Freddie shows up, of course, and rips his own long arm off and uses it has a seatbelt. What the shit? It's fucking stupid. Jock hits something and flies through the window. It's totally fine though. Things that kill people are like totally arbitrary. Hops on a motorcycle that is just conveniently there and it almost immediately turns into Freddie. Like absorbs him. It's weird. Ends up wrecking it into the back of a semi and we see IRL he is back in his truck. Dan is sort of alive burning there on the ground. He says to Alice “want to make babies” which is disgusting. Dan is confirmed dead. Alice is like, it was Freddy. No one is convinced which is insane. They act like they have no fucking clue what she is talking about. Half of these kids were in the previous movie for fuck's sake. Find out here she's pregnant here as well. Whatever.

The model chick gets it next. She gets dozes off at a dinner party full of her mother's creepy friends that hit on the nymphet and shit while she doesn't eat. When of the guys more or less creams his pants looking at her and she gets disgusted, her mom is like you need to learn how to treat men right if you want to be a model. Uh, okay. So now she nods off during dinner for some reason and there is chef Freddy. At no time in the movie is this chick talking about purging or being anorexic or whatever but Freddy, in the vein of ironic punishment I guess, force feeds her a bunch of shit. Of course there is a horrible one-liner. And it has “bitch” in it. This one is “Bon appétit, bitch.” She dead. Alice goes to her own fridge IRL. Says “die bitch” on a piece of paper held up by magnets. Get a sweet claymation of rotting food in the fridge and the model chick with her face stuffed with food. Freddy pulls her in. Alice goes in after her. In this dream sequence we see her child who is like nine. This kid is disgusting. Eyes are adult size. Little freak was in Jurassic Park, he was the unexplained fat kid that Sam Neill told about how velociraptors would slit open his belly and he'd be alive when they started to eat him. Anyway, this kid makes me uncomfortable. It doesn't help that he says a bunch of weird kid shit and Freddy brags about feeding the fetus the souls he is harvesting.

Nobody wants to see this
Time to go to the doctor, in real time. At some point she is like, “Freddy is feeding my baby souls.” The doctor is like, “feeding him souls you say.” She leaves and he makes a phone call. What the hell was that? This leads to Alice hanging out with her ethnic friend who she went to the doctor with. Still together, they are hanging out and Alice is droning on about Freddy trying to kill her and what not. In every one of these movies there's a scene where everyone is like, "do you know what you sound like? You sound ridiculous." Getting a lot of this in this one which is itself ridiculous since Freddy has killed an insane amount of kids every year in this shit town including people in this circle of friends just one year prior. Dan's Parent show up. Want to take the kid and raise it. Doctor called them, apparently. So much for doctor patient confidentiality.

Super lame
The artist kid believes her though. He has a dream where Freddy attacks him. Now they devise ye olde stay awake and watch me routine, standard in these films. He starts reading this Freddy comic and it does the thing where he sees what is happening right then, as in him looking in a comic. And he gets sucked in. He becomes this comic book hero he is working on. Sort of like a homosexual Punisher. I don't think this kid is supposed to be gay but he seems really gay. Bob Shaye really likes vaguely gay high school dudes in these flicks. Anywho, he shoots Freddy into a corner. Freddy is all black and white and shit for some reason. Just when you think think Freddy is fucked, yeah, not at all, he turns into Super Freddy which is just a really beefy Freddy who is bullet proof. He is also obviously played by a completely different dude. He just starts slashing this kid with his glove, standard kill, but screams like a wild man and the kid turns into paper. So Freddy is like shredding the shit out of this confetti paper and yelling like an idiot. Fuck this movie.

Some boring stuff happens. They go in and out of the dream realm. They all end up back at Freddy's mom's gang rape. Freddy gets locked in and is ripped apart by the maniacs. This doesn't phase him though. The kid shows up again. Freddy, Alice, and him are running around these stairs that go up, are upside, go sideways, so forth. It's actually a cool effect. It all comes to a head. Out of nowhere kid becomes like a creepy Freddy clone. Freddy's mom shows up. The kid suddenly vomits the souls Freddy fed him back up on him and they rip through him. They look like sperm attached by chewing gum. It's indescribable. The sperm/souls pull the baby Freddy out of his own body. It doesn't it make any sense at fucking all and is completely fucking insane. This fucking kills him? Oh my god, it's over. This movie is so fucking stupid. Did not fucking like. Just a few more to go. 

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is the greatest movie of all time

Saw Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2 in the 3D which I'd recommend as it looks pretty good. Movie is solid. Lot to like here... buuuuuuut there are some things.

Russell mansplaining about what being a god is all about
Pros: Beautifully done with great visual effects. On point cast as the previous one with a few really solid cameos. The Watchers show up for the first time in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, at least that I recall. Very funny.

Cons: Tries a little too hard, maybe. Sort of like a more eh version of the original.

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Little guy
Start with the stuff I really liked. Going in, I was concerned about the baby Groot. Watching previews and for around the first quarter of the movie, I was like, “eh, little guy.” But by the end, I was all, “aw, little guy.” He's so dumb and helpless. He also does just enough where he isn't annoying, for the most part. Really start to like him when the Ravagers shit all over him (metaphorically) and when he is put in charge of helping out his mates, he generally fails spectacularly.

Basically, if you were into the characters in the first one, empathized with them and what not, then you'll get lots of that. Pratt is cool. His relationship with Kurt Russell's character, Russell fucking rocked by the way, involves lots of blue lightning, be warned. The big dude is funny as hell. The green chick gets lots of screen time to deal with her shit. Same with Daryl's brother from The Walking Dead. He is sort of the one you really feel for in this one. We also get a glimpse of what it would be like for an everyman type of guy to have godlike powers, which is cool. 

The last thing worth mentioning, which I will try not to give too much away on here, is Stan Lee's cameo adds credence to a theory that has been posed about his role in the Marvel Cinematic Universe/Marvel movies in general. Overall, the movie is funny as hell and lots of fun.

Now the other stuff. It doesn't really seem like the series is really going anywhere except for maybe exploring Quill's (Pratt) origin story. I know how this fits into the MCU but it feels totally isolated from all that shit. Also, the fight scenes are sometimes just way too long. Often get the feeling in films like this that I watching someone else play a video game.

A gold chick looking fucking cool
It's obviously not a serious movie. Lots of jokes and gags and lots of over the top action. But it's like they are seriously trying to funny which works but sometimes sort of doesn't. An example of this is with this character that chooses to call himself Taserface. He basically goes into this long monologue where he is telling the former leader of his Ravager Clan, Yondu, whom he is just successfully mutinied against, that he is weak and stupid and taking them down the wrong path and that it is time for their clan to rise to glory under the leadership of a new captain: Taserface! Rocket the Raccoon then just rips on him for the next five minutes of the movie. None of it is really funny. Then when he gets his comeuppance, all fucked up, barely alive from various injuries, he crawls over to a monitor to summon the Sovereign, one of the several groups the Guardians have beef with here that are solid gold and look fucking cool and fight using these sweet drones that they control from video game console type things, and tells them the group's coordinates so that they can come and kill them and in his mind avenge his death. He just wants them to tell the Guardians that it was he, Taserface, that did them in. The chick he talks to, however, just laughs at his name as he explodes and dies. Weak. There is some other stuff like this that is like, “whatever.”

Looking at some reviews, which I usually don't do, to find ways others explained it, I came across this in the Times, “The difference (between the original and sequel) is that while the first 'Guardians' earned that love as if by accident, this one begs for it,” which is spot on. Other than some of that stuff though it is fucking great and is totally solid by anyone's standards. I'm sure it's gonna be huge. 

Friday, May 5, 2017

Lifeforce is the worst movie of all time

More Tobe Hooper. This one is infinitely weird and completely incoherent. People feel strongly about this movie. I am one of those people. It is trash. Except for that ending which really got my dick hard (metaphorically)

So, the movie follows these three alien beings that are found riding this space ship near Halley's Comet. They end up possessing some of the crew and kill them minus one poor man's Harrison Ford. He torches the ship and exits out an escape pod. With everyone on the ship dead, the British space program goes up and brings it all back down including the three naked aliens. From there the vamps bounce and cause extreme mayhem on their way to stealing half the people of London's souls to fuel their ship. The city basically comes down to the work of this detective guy and the lone remaining astronaut. This is the most what the fuck movie I have seen in a long time and I seek out what the fuck movies. The end, however, was fucking amazingly cool. 

Pros: Completely unique. I don't you see a better alien vampire movie any time soon. The vampire lady is attractive and naked basically the whole movie. Young Patrick Stewart. 

Cons: Incoherent as shit. Most of the movie I was all, "what the fuck is happening?" Not a taut movie. Lots of pointless dialogue. Felt so fucking long. 

Disclaimer: My notes pretty much always contain some spoilers but I rarely give away the ending.

Notes: Like the way this moves along early. Space ship going to Halley's Comet where they find an alien space ship. Convenient earth gravity on the one ship which they feel the need to mention. Captain is a Harrison Ford lookalike. Don't waste a lot of time getting to the space vampires. Get out of their ship to space walk to the alien one. They float there, it looks ridiculous, and find these giant bats that are all dried up, they say. This movie came out in 1985. Halley's Comet showed up in 1986. There is one year later and they can swim untethered in space and land on a comet. Taking one back to the ship because why not. The vampire ship comes alive. Looks like a space octopus or umbrella. Later we learn it is a soul harvester. It stops suddenly. Everyone is like, “huh, is that bad? It's fine, I guess.” Farther in the ship they find naked people. Two Ps. One V. One guy practically ejaculates at seeing this naked lady. He keeps saying she looks perfect. She is super pretty by 80s standards. Taking them back with them as well. Again, why not. 

Three days later. Back on earth everyone is pretty sure the crew is dead. No idea what is going on. Send up another ship to figure it out. The inside looks like the ship was abandoned millions of years ago. Fire, apparently, and they are indeed all dead, it appears. They don't bother to count them up or anything though. Get the equivalent of the black box which was destroyed. Three naked people are still cool though. Bring them back to earth. Hell, why not. Another guy gets rapy with the girl one. She wakes. Starts making out with him. Steals his “lifeforce” which involves infamous blue lightning. Dude is now all withered up. Guy watching the video runs down. She makes out with him now. Another guy sees that on the monitor. Is this just going to keep happening?

Still naked. She is just walking about. Security guards are like, “holy shit!.” One offers her a cracker. She telepathically chokes him to out. She finds his lack of faith disturbing. Blows her way out these giant glass windows. She casually moseys on out. Did I mention she is naked?

Keeping an eye out on the dudes, the soldiers are like, “no big, they dead,” and immediately they explode out of their tubes. Are basically invincible except for grenades which sort of slow them down. The guy who had his lifeforce drained during the makeup sess wakes up suddenly and like makes out with the doctor. Sucks out his lifeforce. Now he is back to normal. Now this other guy probably needs a lifeforce since he looks withered and raison esque. Have a real lifeforce situation on their hands here. The one guy deflates again. He doesn't get lifeforce and combusts in a poof of dust which was totally insane. Find another naked, deflated chick. She gets no LF. Dies. She isn't going to combust? When I give up it finally happens. Harrison Ford looking dude shows back up in the escape pod. He disappeared like three days ago and now has a three month old beard. Cut to his debriefing. Completely clean shaven. Maybe in the next scene he'll have a beard again. 

Get the official word with what happened with thems on the spaceship from the source himself. It's pretty obvious but when he tells the part about how he got off the ship it looks like he puts a quarter in the slot of the escape pod and off it goes. Telling this stuff Harrison Ford dude is at home now maybe. Might be in Transylvania or a graveyard or church. Vampire busts in. Or more explodes in in bat form. What the fuck is happening. They get it on. Took some of the life force telepathically. He can sort of see what's going on with her too. Feel like most of this movie is doctors and police investigators talking. Around here I keep waiting for Patrick Stewart show up and decide I am watching the wrong movie.

And here is Stewart in all his glory. Looks exactly the fucking same, as expected. A doctor, of course, so it would appear that doctors consulting each other is on the way. Main dude tracks this redhead down. They make it out and she passes out. I'm not sure if she's one or not. Maybe I missed something? Anyway, this guy she may have turned is locked away somewhere. They are talking about giving him truth serum or hypnotizing him or something. Sort of feel like all this is happening in real time. This is Stewart's patient. Get into a long discussion on patients rights and medical ethics. They are apparently doing this against his will. And fake out, they give it to Stewart. He's the vampire alien I guess. He screams like a mad man for like a long time and eventually seizes out. In a wheelchair now. Looks like he did in Logan. More truth serum is pumped into him. Lulls me in with whispering. Crank up the volume to hear what he saying and he starts screaming. Sneaky bitch. Start seizing and now he has the vampire chick's voice. What the fuck is happening? Things are infinitely fucking weird. I'm not sure what the vampire is. Claims to be the feminine part of HF dude's brain. Now Stewart opens his mouth and blood starts pooling out. The main vampire/alien chick then briefly materializes from said blood. I don't even know. 

You'd think a spaceship hitching onto Halley's Comet, alien/vampire movie would be more straightforward. Getting near the endish (there is still so much movie left) London is in freefall. The astronaut and cop end up in the talks with the military who are talking about nuking the city. The military guys are fucking jazzed about it. Meanwhile the naked chick is collecting energy from human souls and sending up to her ship using that umbrella thing from the beginning. Someone explains that the two male vamps build the energy by killing while the female transmits it. Some such shit. HF, whose name is Carlson, goes into London, where shit is going down, to kill her. The cop one goes back in too. Both of them are just driving over zombies for like 10 minutes. Cop dude kills his old chief inspector guy after he vague talks for awhile about being a zombie, and then he is on foot running from zombies. London is still completely insane.

The HF looker is getting it on with the vamp in a church while the cop approaches. One of the dude vampires, the other died at some point, says, “it will much less terrifying if you just come to me.” Dude is like, "ok," and walks up to him and stabs him with this sword he got from his old boss right in the chest. Vamp briefly turns into a bat before exploding. It was dope. Then he goes in the church. They are getting it on in the church still. This is where shit goes the fuck down. I watched this part while on substance and it was fucking awesome. Blue lightning, swirling souls, naked stabbing. Twas a sweet ending. Maybe check it out. Mayhap not.